Last October I shared with you a secret list I had uncovered of 21 Starbucks coffee flavors that just missed the cut, including gems like Brake Fluid Cider, Auctioneer’s Belch, and Ear Candle Harvest.
My inside sources remain as connected as ever, and as a result I’ve got this year’s follow-up list of Starbucks flavored that ALMOST went to market in 2011.
1. Mike and Ike Melee – add some berries and citrus fruit to your morning with this amazing corn syrup-laden blend. so sweet it’ll make your teeth hurt while it’s brewing.
2. Flouride Rinse – leaves your mouth feeling like you just gargled with mint and your own bloody spit. The trace amounts of Novocaine will leave you slightly numb and the extra caffeine will have you buzzing like a dental drill well into the afternoon.
3. Kona and Koins – what do you get when you mix Hawaii’s finest beans with change from the cash registers of Hawaii’s finest convenience stores? This intoxicating blend of coffee, copper, and hand germs. Drink up!
4. Swamp Thing – Don’t be fooled by the green color and pungent odor, this brew is safe to drink and won’t turn you into a frog. We steam our homegrown coffee with water from the Louisiana Bayou and rub each bean with algae-coated hands to deliver a taste you won’t soon forget.
5. Winds of Windex – This ammonia-free blend of South American coffee is infused with safe levels of Isopropanal and 2-
6. Subway Hand Grip – We don’t know where these beans have been, and frankly we don’t want to know. Neither do you.
7. Floor Mat Festival – Not for the faint of heart or tongue, you’ll be transported to the underside of your shoes with this creative blend of Ugandan coffee beans, dirty asphalt, and pigeon excrement.
8. Beard Scraps – From Israel to Vancouver to the hipsters of Manhattan, we spent the last 2 years collecting beard shavings from all over the world in order to bring you this one of a kind coffee. We introduce the facial hair into the roasting process from the beginning and filter it out right before the coffee is packaged to give you a drinking experience that will put some hair on your chest.
9. Bright Camel Morning – We’ve drained the sweet oil from the adrenal glands of two-humped camels to bring you this exotic nectar from the sands of the middle east. Break out your sitar and drink up!
10. Hockey Pad Drizzle – If you’re not a fan of salty coffee, you might want to sit out this shift.
11. Keyboard Grease – Each batch of this Honduras-grown blend is slow-filtered through the keyboard keys of an angry IT guy. From cup to cup you can experience a wide variety of flavors from beef jerky to BK Broilers to nacho cheese Combos.
12. Touch of Syphilis – Not enough syphilis to actually give you syphilis…just enough for you to taste it.
13. Vitamin Water – not to be confused with the delicious drink of the same name, we soak multivitamins in water for 72 hours before using that water to steam our coffee beans. Then we grind up multivitamins to make a 50/50 blend of coffee and Centrum Silver. Forget the taste, think of how much longer you’ll live!
14. Squash and Cauliflower – from the success of Pumpkin Spice coffees we bring you the next great taste harvest! Treat your taste buds to the autumn bounty of this delicious vegetable blend.
15. Fried Sparrow Essence – Tantalize your senses to the sizzling sights, smells, and tastes of sauteed fowl. A favorite among hunters and bitter bird watchers, this heady brew will put your day in flight!
16. I Heart Spittoons – Enjoy the feeling of packing your lip full of chewing tobacco without risking mouth cancer. This Kenyan brew is infused with the taste of tobacco spit and full of chunks of shredded rubber you can pack into your lip to look and feel like a tough guy.
17. Antique Drapes – Hints of mold, mildew, and ancient dust dance in your mouth as you drink in this Victorian cup of wonder. One sip will whisk you away to a house built in the 1800s filled with spiders and a heavy sense of impending doom.
18. WINNING! – Two and a half times the normal caffeine levels make this Charlie Sheen-inspired cup of Joe a health hazard that goes down smooth and rushes out of you even smoother. Hints of cocaine, hotel comforters, and prostitute lipstick give this proprietary blend a taste all it’s own.
19. Drops of Deodorant – Prior to roasting, these beans are coated in spray-on deodorant to simulate a mountain fresh armpit. The toxic chemicals are burnt off in the roasting process, and you’re left with coffee so delicious, it will make your mouth sweat.
20. Cayenne Carnival – You might need to order a second cup of coffee to put out the fire in your mouth from drinking this bad boy. Feel the burn!!!
21. Mayonnaise Feast – who hasn’t ever had a cup of coffee and thought, “I wash this tasted more like mayo!”. Your wish has been granted.
Feel free to place your order for one of these discontinued drinks in the comments.
(Or if you’re feeling creative, come up with your own FAILED flavor.)