Walk into any Starbucks and you’ll find a variety of delightful flavor options. From Caramel to Vanilla and Pumpkin Spice to Peppermint, you’ve got lots of choices.
But not every flavor makes it to the the Majors. The sad truth is, many flavors are left for dead on the cutting room floor of the R&D department at Starbucks HQ in Seattle.
Don’t ask me how, but I’ve obtained a list of flavors that Starbucks ALMOST approved this past year. Just read with caution, seeing what could have been might leave you wildly disappointed.
1. Touch of Chili – hearty, bold, and brimming with meat flavor. Like those old A1 commercials, it gets you here, and it gets you right here.
2. Construction Paper Tiger - the thickest stock of red construction paper we can find adds a pulpy richness to your morning cup of goodness. *paste flavoring optional
3. Floor of Waffle House – straight from the mop bucket to your mouth, liven up any cup of Joe with this exotic/toxic blend of every filthy thing in the entire world.
4. Feather Blend – From the beaches of Florida to the parks of Manhattan, we filter every majestic cup of this blend through a bed of discarded bird feathers to give you a cup of joe that will make your taste buds soar.
5. Pine Tar Special – Twice the density and caffeine of our regular brew, this powder keg will surge through your veins like George Brett tearing out of the dugout after a disallowed home run.
6. The Aniston – Disarmingly accessible yet fiercely independent, this popular brew is a hit with the men and the ladies. Pricey at $37 a cup, but totally worth it.
7. Columbian Gutter – 100% columbian beans are roasted and brewed to perfection and then poured onto the roof of our building so that it can run through our gutters and into a makeshift carafe in the parking lot. Then we bring that carafe inside and treat you to a mug of coffee bliss.
8. Ear Candle Harvest – Not for the faint of heart, this October favorite starts strong and finishes stronger. *a medical waiver must be signed before consuming Ear Candle Harvest.
9. Hint of O’Douls – Go ahead and have another. This smooth brew won’t impair your judgement or your taste buds.
10. Pee on a campfire – Hints of ash, urine, and burnt marshmallows dance across your tongue and splash into your stomach like a harmless ghost story shared among friends.
11. Ocean Whiff – subtle notes of sand and kelp offset the strong flavor of this briny brew. *may cause seasickness
12. Microwaved Sock Drawer – the perfect blend for a hangover. Get some caffeine in your system and puke up everything you drank last night with the same sip.
13. Brake Fluid Cider – best consumed with a spoon, this “coffee chowder” not only gets you going, but also lubes up your large intestine for your afternoon restroom sessions (yes, there will be more than one).
14. Venison Delight – get in touch with your inner hunter with this gamey blend. Filtered through the dried sinews of North American Whitetails, you’ll want to take a bow and arrow to the head when your cup is empty.
15. Banana Olive Vinegar – On their own, each make for a gag-worthy cup of coffee. But combining them together as the ancient Greeks once did has unlocked the door to a new coffee experience few can fathom.
16. Circus Peanut Jubilee – Hold the Splenda on this cup…in fact, you might want to add some lemon juice or malic acid to counter the extraordinary sweetness of this brew. Served with 2 circus peanuts floating in your cup and a side of insulin.
17. Auctioneer’s Belch – like making out with someone who’s been talking all day in the pouring rain, if it were raining delicious coffee.
18. New Carpet Sheen- our proprietary blend of 37 chemicals and preservatives ensure a good morning buzz whether you drink it this morning or put it on your dresser to drink 20 years from now.
19. Unidentified Entrails – We don’t know what our marketing department had in mind with this one. It’s the most horrific thing we’ve ever ingested, and some of us used to be practicing cannibals.
20. Ashtray Karma – From birth to death, these coffee beans are surrounded by second-hand smoke their entire existence. *a medical waiver must be signed before consuming Ashtray Karma. Get your Ashtray Karma Coffee Card stamped 10 times and receive a free chemo treatment.
21. Barista Sweat – for 10 years our baristas have been dripping sweat into your coffee and we’ve finally perfected it. Hints of salt, incense, and Neutrogena face wash bring these hand-grown coffee beans to life like no other cup we’ve ever brewed. Enjoy our hard work. Literally.
Feel free to place your order for one of these discontinued drinks in the comments.
(Or if you’re feeling creative, come up with your own FAILED flavor.)