NFL2014 Crystal Schnoz Week 7 PreCap

Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.

If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.

Week 7 features 15 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.

About last night – Patriots 27, Jets 25 – did we learn anything?

3 Things We Learned Last Night

1. We learned that Bill Belicheck only cares about two things: winning and screwing over your fantasy team. Thought Branden Bolden might get you a few points? How about some Jonas Gray, who we literally signed after lunch today.

2. We learned that the loss of Jerod Mayo absolutely has weakened New England’s defense. The Jets offense – among the worst in the league going into last night – moved the ball at will, punishing the Patriots on the ground.

3. We learned that Rex Ryan has some work to do to save his job. At 1-6 the Jets’ playoff hopes are done, but the schedule softens up a bit, so Rex still has a chance to get to 6 or 7 wins and play the “we finished the season strong” card.

Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.

The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment

1. Denver – Their defense has been the story this year.
2. San Diego – Trap game against KC with Denver looming.
3. Seattle – Adversity might be the best thing for the champs.
4. Baltimore/Cincy – Shaping up to be a great division race.
5. Dallas/Philly – Also shaping up to be a great division race.
6. Detroit – This defense is LEGIT. Hail Teryl Austin!
7. Cleveland – This offense is LEGIT. Hail Brian Schottenheimer!

If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?

The Relegation Zone

30. Oakland – A trash can filled with microwaved deer entrails.
31. Jacksonville – Rest of the team should sue the O-line.
32. Tampa Bay – See the Non-Amish Pic of the Week below.

And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.

The Non-Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week

A manure spreader, AKA the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?

If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week

None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.

Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.

The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week

1. Niners at Broncos – Great test for Harbaugh and his band of unhappy campers. I smell a huge beatdown in this night game so long as the Broncos aren’t looking ahead to next week’s tilt with KC. DEN 38, SF 21.

2. New Orleans at Detroit – The Saints might be the disappointment of the year so far. Barely average defense and BELOW average offense. Will the return of Mark Ingram help? Against this Lions Defense – the BEST in the league right now – it probably won’t be enough. DET 30, NO 23.

3. New York Giants at Dallas – The Cowboys are 5-1 because they keep winning games they usually lose. And really, is there any more perfect way to describe this game than that? Off a road win in Seattle, these Boys are prime for a letdown. But maybe, just maybe, this season is different. DAL 27, NYG 24.

What about the other games, oh great and powerful Schnoz?

Quick Mentions of the Other Games

Minnesota at Buffalo – Are the Bills the worst second place team in the league? It’s them or the Texans, right? And yet they win again. BUF 33, MIN 27.
Atlanta at Baltimore – Falcons’ defense is worse than you think. BAL 44, ATL 27.
Cleveland at Jacksonville – I’m a believer in this Browns team. CLE 27, JAX 7.
Carolina at Green Bay – The NFC South has 4 of the worst 5 defenses in the league right now per Football Outsiders. Yikes. GB 37, CAR 31.
Miami at Chicago – Upset special! The fins steal a win from the Bears. MIA 31, CHI 27.
Cincinnati at Indianapolis – Andrew Luck’s magic has to run out at some point, right? CIN 24, IND 22.
Seattle at St. Louis – Angry Russell Wilson should be fun to watch. SEA 45, STL 28.
Tennessee at Washington – Losing coach wins a spot on the hot seat! WAS 17, TEN 9.
Kansas City at San Diego – Full steam ahead for this impressive Chargers team. SD 30, KC 13.
Arizona at Oakland – Bruce Arians stay in the hunt for coach of the year. ARI 25, OAK 16.
Houston at Pittsburgh – Both teams are 3-3 and look headed for 8-8. PIT 33, HOU 23.

By the way, how did your predictions do last week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week

I went 1-2. (Now 1-17 on the year)

1. There is a tie this week! I ACTUALLY PREDICTED THIS! HAHAHA!!!

2. CAR, SD, and PHI combine to score UNDER 66 points this week! LOSS (91 pts)!

3. The AFC goes 3-0 against the NFC this week! LOSS (1-1-1)!

What about for this week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week

1. There is another tie this week!

2. Two teams score less than 10 points this week!

3. The NFC South goes 0-3 this week!

Enjoy the games, everyone!