NFL2014 Crystal Schnoz Week 8 PreCap

Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.

If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.

Week 8 features 15 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.

About last night – Broncos 35, Chargers 21 – did we learn anything?

3 Things We Learned Last Night

1. We learned that the Broncos are the new Seahawks. Dominating on both sides of the ball right now, they are the clear favorites to win it all.

2. We learned that the Chargers will be just fine and should be a playoff team come January. The defense still has question marks, but giving up 35 to Manning in Denver can’t really be held against you.

3. We learned that no QB throws a tantrum quite like Phil Rivers.

Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.

The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment

1. Denver – Amazing on both sides of the ball. Ladies and gents, your clear cut Super Bowl Favorite.
2. Baltimore – Just a step behind Denver on both sides of the ball, but closer than you think.
3. Green Bay – Rodgers has been outstanding, might be class of the NFC.
4. Indianapolis – The rest of the team is playing up to Luck’s talent.
5. Dallas/Philly – They play twice in 3 weeks and we can’t wait.
6. Seattle – Tough times for the champ, but Russell Wilson is a beast.
7. San Diego – Strong offense, but the defense is reverting to last year’s form and that’s not a good thing.

If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?

The Relegation Zone

30. Oakland – A dirty diaper from 2003 found behind the couch.
31. Jacksonville – Playing down to the level of their horrid uniforms.
32. Tampa Bay – The Falcons are bad and they lost to them by 42.

And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.

The Non-Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week

“I’m the line-painter, not the leaf-mover.”

And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?

If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week

None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.

Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.

The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week

1. Colts at Steelers – This Indy team might be legit! Luck is Luck, but the other 21 players have stepped up as well. A win in Pittsburgh would be a huge statement. PIT 28, IND 21.

2. Ravens at Bengals – I love this Ravens team, but are they walking into a hornet’s nest of a Bengals team that got shut out last week? I don’t think it matters. BAL 35, CIN 31.

3. Packers at Saints – It’s well-documented, but the NFC South stinks. The Saints could lose this game and still win the division at 7-9. I think the Packers trip up here though. NO 38, GB 24.

What about the other games, oh great and powerful Schnoz?

Quick Mentions of the Other Games

Lions at Falcons – in London!!! at 9:30am Eastern!!! Strange things can happen in London, but the Falcons winning ain’t one of them. DET 20, ATL 10.
Bills at Jets – At some point during this game Rex Ryan will look longingly at Kyle Orton and wish he was his QB and that is sad. BUF 27, NYJ 24.
Seahawks at Panthers – Here’s a bonus bold prediction: this game ends on the last play. SEA 31, CAR 28.
Bears at Patriots – The turmoil in Chicago won’t get any help from a rising Patriots team. NE 41, CHI 24.
Texans at Titans – The Zach Attack gets welcomed to the NFL by J.J. Watt. Good luck, rookie! HOU 19, TEN 17.
Dolphins at Jaguars – Don’t sleep on that Dolphins defense! I smell a blowout. MIA 34 JAX 16.
Rams at Chiefs – The Battle of Missouri should be high scoring and entertaining. KC 36, STL 28.
Vikings at Bucs – Worst Game of the Week Award. TB 23, MIN 20.
Eagles at Cardinals – Great coaching matchup that will come down to the last drive. ARI 27, PHI 23.
Raiders at Browns – I think I broke both ankles jumping off the Cleveland bandwagon. Oakland’s first win? OAK 33, CLE 27.
Redskins at Cowboys – The Boys are getting the praise they deserve. The D is still suspect, but Colt McCoy is suspecter. DAL 31, WAS 24.

By the way, how did your predictions do last week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week

I went 1-2. (Now 2-19 on the year)

1.There is another tie this week! NO.

2.Two teams score less than 10 points this week! LOSS (3 teams did)!

3.The NFC South goes 0-3 this week! WIN (NO, CAR, ATL all lost)!

What about for this week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week

1. Kyle Orton throws 4 TDs!

2. The NFC North goes 1-3!

3. The Raiders win their first game!

Enjoy the games, everyone!