Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.
If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.
Week 6 features 15 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.
About last night – Texans 28, Colts 33 – did we learn anything?
3 Things We Learned Last Night
1. We learned that Andrew Luck is a legitimate MVP Candidate. It’s him, Russell, and Peyton in my book.
2. We learned that JJ. Watt is the best defensive player of the last decade.
3. You’re right, we already knew both those things. We learned nothing.
Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.
The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment
1. Seattle – Russell Wilson for president. Dude is a baller.
2. Denver – Mark you calendars. Thursday, October 23rd hosting San Diego!
3. San Diego – Mark you calendars. Thursday, October 23rd at Denver!
4. Indianapolis – The League’s most prolific offense through 5 games!
5. Cincinnati – Nobody looks good against Angry Tom Brady.
6. Baltimore – Nobody looks good against Andrew Luck these days.
7. Green Bay/Dallas – Two of only four teams in the Top 10 in PPG on offense AND defense!
If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?
The Relegation Zone
30. Tennessee – A closet full of sadness and spoiled yogurt.
31. Jacksonville – A pile of cat feces covered in dog feces.
32. Oakland – A dumpster fire being put out with zombie urine.
And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.
The Non-Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week
I was at a leadership conference last week where I took a bunch of pictures with my own ugly face in them.
If this sort of thing intrigues you, check out more here.
And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?
If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week
None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.
Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.
The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week
1. Dallas at Seattle – They will show the Tony Romo playoff field goal fumble a lot this weekend and I want you to watch for something. OBSERVE HOW WAXY THAT BALL APPEARS!!! This is the conspiracy of the century. That ball was coated in surfboard wax, I swear!
2. New York Giants at Philadelphia – The Eagles and Cowboys are both 4-1 and yet the Giants might be the best team in this division! Time to put those “NFC Least” jokes back into storage for a few years.
3. Pittsburgh at Cleveland – Brian Hoyer is completely robbing us of the fun that is John Manziel. How dare you, Brian Hoyer! Take your historic comebacks and go play somewhere else, we want John Football!
Those are great games! I love football! There’s no way it could be better, right?
The “Football Could Be Better” Rule Change of the Week
I am completely bored with NFL fields.
Can we add some uniqueness and fun flavor to these hallowed patches of grass?
More than just logos at the fifty and in the end zones, I’d like to see red zones actually painted red. I want slogans painted onto the field. I want 20 minutes of commercials removed from the telecast and in exchange you can paint 3 giant logos anywhere on the field that you like.
Let’s go Jacksonville…do something exciting for once in your life and get Cialis to sponsor your 35-yard line. I’d love nothing more than to the see Luke Kuechly tackle Blake Bortles on top of that Cialis bathtub couple.
TD Celebration of the Week That Shouldn’t Be a Penalty
Re-enacting famous movie scenes with teammates.
I want to see a Daniel Larusso crane kick to Johnny.
I want to see a DiCaprio/Winslet bow of the Titanic moment.
I want to see the disemboweling scene from Braveheart.
If they want to play charades, LET THEM PLAY CHARADES!
What about the other games, oh great and powerful Schnoz?
Quick Mentions of the Other Games
New England at Buffalo – Can two teams have a simultaneous let-down game? Yes. NE 21, BUF 20.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay – Back to back road games for Flacco spells disaster. TB 23, BAL 20.
Carolina at Cincinnati – Feels like a close game, will be a trouncing. CIN 35, CAR 10.
Chicago at Atlanta – Falcons try to give it away, Bears say “no thanks.” ATL 29, CHI 27.
Detroit at Minnesota – Teddy B is back in the house! MIN 28, DET 27.
Green Bay at Miami – Upset special! The fins beat up on the Pack. MIA 31, GB 17.
Washington at Arizona – Carson Palmer returns, and so does the win column. ARI 23, WAS 20.
Denver at New York Jets – Rex Ryan, your 2015 Dallas Cowboys Defensive Coordinator! DEN 31, NYJ 21.
Jacksonville at Tennessee – Despite their best efforts to both lose, NFL rules only allow one loser. TEN 17, JAX 14.
San Diego at Oakland – Feels like a trouncing, will be a close game. SD 28, OAK 20.
San Francisico at St. Louis – Give me the Rams in another upset special! STL 30, SF 27.
By the way, how did your predictions do last week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week
I went 0-3, of course. (Now 0-15 on the year)
1. The NFC East will go 1-3 at home this week. LOSS (3-1)!
2. The AFC North will go 4-0 on the road this week. LOSS (2-2)!
3. Kyle Orton goes into Detroit and wins by double digits. LOSS (but he did win)!
What about for this week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week
1. There is a tie this week!
2. Carolina, San Diego, and Philly combine to score UNDER 66 points this week!
3. The AFC goes 3-0 against the NFC this week!
Enjoy the games, everyone!