NFL2014 Crystal Schnoz Week 5 Precap

Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.

If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.

Week 5 features 15 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.

About last night – Packers 42, Vikings 10 – did we learn anything?

3 Things We Learned Last Night

1. We learned that these games are always blowouts.

2. We learned that the Packers offense is good.

3. So basically, we learned NOTHING.

Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.

The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment

1. Seattle – Are they Jekyll and Hyde or can they dominate on the road too?
2. Denver – Need a win against Arizona this week or it’s stock down for the Broncos.
3. Cincinnati – A trap this weekend in New England? Admiral Ackbar thinks so.
4. San Diego – Phil Rivers (or Andrew Luck) for MVP? No joke.
5. Baltimore – Facing white hot Andrew Luck this week, but I think they cool him off.
6. Detroit – Can score AND run the clock out. NFC North favorites, right?
7. Arizona – Great test at Denver this week!

If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?

The Relegation Zone

30. Tennessee – The greatest trick the devil ever played was that Week 1 win in KC.
31. Jacksonville – Bortles is the future, but the roster is still a year or two away.
32. Oakland – The coach wasn’t the problem, but yeah, good call starting him.

And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.

The Non-Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week

If I ranked every food establishment in the United States based on my desire to eat there, this Getty Station would definitely not be in the Top 15.

And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?

If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week

None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.

Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.

The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week

1. Arizona at Denver – I kinda feel like Denver is gonna drop bombs in this game, but man, if the Cardinals can hang at Mile High I’ll be a believer.

2. Baltimore at Indianapolis – Andrew Luck is on fire right now. My gosh. This Colts roster is not great, but he covers a multitude of sins. I like the Ravens to go in there and steal a win, but would i bet actual money against Luck? Not a chance.

3. Cincinnati at New England – Things are really bad in New England right now. This team is a notorious slow starter, but wow, this team seems on the fast track for a losing record this year. Hard to imagine the Patriots after Belicheck and Brady, but might this be the beginning of the end? It could be the last stand in Foxboro this weekend.

Those are great games! I love football! There’s no way it could be better, right?

The “Football Could Be Better” Rule Change of the Week

Question: Would you ever turn away from a 60+ yard field goal on TV?


So let’s get more of them to happen. From now on, any field goal of 60 or more yards is worth 4 points. Boom, done.

Think about it. A team down 4 no longer needs a touchdown. All they need to do is get to the 43-yard line to attempt a 60-yard field goal to tie the game. And what if they were at the 35-yard line? If they have a timeout, let em’ back up and kick the 4-pointer. Heck, if they’re on the 10-yard line and want to back up, let them!

Are there 100 complications I’m not thinking of? Of course, but I don’t care, I love it.

TD Celebration of the Week That Shouldn’t Be a Penalty


Oh wait, we’ve got that covered now.

Which three games are the least appealing to you, oh great and powerful Schnoz?

Quick Mentions of the Other Games

Buffalo at Detroit – The return of the neck beard!
Cleveland at Tennessee – Will there be any fans there? I’d rather go to the dentist than this game.
Chicago at Carolina – The “Which Team Will Be More Disappointing” Bowl!
Houston at Dallas – The Battle of Texas. Loser has to move to Oklahoma City.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville – Can the Steelers lose to the Bucs and Jags back to back? No chance.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans – Even if NO wins this division feels up for grabs.
Atlanta at NY Giants – Look closely and you’ll see me playing Right Guard for the Falcons.
St. Louis at Philadelphia – Might the Cowboys have a chance to win this division? Can’t believe it, but it’s in play. Eagles need a convincing win.
Kansas City at San Francisco – Wait, are the Chiefs good? (Probably not.)
New York Jets at San Diego – The Chargers will keep rolling. Rivers throws 5 TDs.
Seattle at Washington – Feels like a blowout…won’t be a blowout.
By the way, how did your predictions do last week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week

I went 0-3, of course. (Now 0-12 on the year)

1. The AFC East will go 1-3 this week. LOSS!

2. ATL, NO, and NE will combine to score 99 or more points on the road this week. LOSS!

3. Philly covers the 5.5 points and wins outright in San Francisco. LOSS!

What about for this week?

Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week

1. The NFC East will go 1-3 at home this week.

2. The AFC North will go 4-0 on the road this week.

3. Kyle Orton goes into Detroit and wins by double digits.

Enjoy the games, everyone!