15 Rumors About Jon Acuff’s Next Gig

Like some of you, I found out this morning that my friend Jon Acuff is no longer with the Dave Ramsey organization.

I’m sure the truth of the situation is much less interesting than the rumors folks are going to make up over the coming weeks, so why not add some good stuff to the rumor mill?

Feel free to spread these far and wide.

15 Rumors About Jon Acuff’s Next Gig

1. He’s becoming a falconer – I guess he just couldn’t waste any more time.

2. He’s joining the Newsies on Broadway – he won’t have a speaking role, but if you squint hard enough you’ll see that chap in the back row popping and locking like a champ.

3. He’s Living Out one of his Dreams – probably this one:

4. He’s taking a job at General Mills as their Bugles’ Spokesperson – They were so impressed with the response to this tweet, they made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. (an offer involving a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms.)

5. He’s the new starting QB for the Jacksonville Jaguars – Word is, he beat out Tim Tebow, Mark Brunell, and Y.A. Tittle in a closed tryout last week.

6. He’s becoming a lifeguard at his local pool – Because the kids in his neighborhood deserve better:

7. He was hired as an Account Specialist for MasterCard – Incited by this tweet, they offered him ten times what Ramsey was paying him, a company BMW, and no interest on his credit cards for life. I guess everyone has a price.

8. He’s becoming a coal miner – because he just seems like that type of guy.

9. He’s the new spokesman for Gordo’s Queso – Sure, he’s going to balloon to 465 pounds, but it’s not work when you’re speaking truth about something you love.

10. He is a full-time torso model for H&M – no V-neck will hit the rack without first being tweaked and altered upon his chest. They’ll even use his “5 Stages of V-Necks” material in their sales copy and display signage.

11. He’s a full time Bear Prophet – we should have known once he put it on his resume last month.

12. He’s the new opening act for comedian John Crist – So much of his act was standup already…the only adjustment will be going from crowds of 1500 to crowds of 15. (I kid because I care, John Crist.)

13. He’s writing a book with a visual artist, that mixes the words with the images like Girl Talk mixes songs – just a hunch.

14. He’s going to write steamy Amish fiction under the pen name, Jona Cuff – Perhaps this tweet was his way of warning us.

15. He’s going back to Auto-Trader – He misses writing copy for used Acuras so much, he’s going to go back to the cubicle and eventually write another NYT bestseller called, Un-Quitter: Re-opening the gap between your day job and dream job.

So go ahead, spread one of these fantastic rumors today! (and add one of your own in the comments.)

Or better yet, wait for him to officially address it on his time.

(Wishing you all the best, Jon!)

UPDATE: Here’s Jon’s official statement on leaving his company, in case you’re interested.

  • http://dailygallen.com/ tim gallen

    well done, bryan. well done. slow clap for you, my friend.

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      i love a good slow-clap.

  • http://www.tammyhelfrich.com/ Tammy Helfrich

    .
    Bryan, I am literally cracking up. As always, you rock.

  • http://www.twitter.com/erikjfisher/ Erik Fisher

    Humor is the wrapper for the candy of truth.

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      so it’s sitting in a dish near a restaurant exit covered in fecal matter?

  • Kay

    well done – why didn’t we all see this trail of clues?

  • http://randomlychad.com Chad Jones

    This? Bryan, this is why I love you. :-)

  • http://www.chrismorriswrites.com/ Chris Morris

    This is so spectacular. Love how you clowned on Jon and everyone with a rumor on the tip of their tongue simultaneously

  • Taisha Stewart

    #12 my favorite! #wheatandwhitebread

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      #12 is my least favorite because I’ve never met John Crist and I’m afraid he’s going to be mad at me and want to fight me.

      • HeatherEV

        Bryan, from everything I have read and heard him say…he will think it’s hilarious.

      • http://www.tammyhelfrich.com/ Tammy Helfrich

        A John Christ/Bryan Allain fight would be hilarious.

  • Allen Madding

    I heard he is headed to Austin to coach the Longhorns

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      Player/Coach probably, since I hear he still has a year left of eligibility.

  • John Paul

    This is straight up hilarious!!!!

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      thanks, JP!

  • John Paul

    He finally bought that property in Maine he talked about and he’s going to start writing his book of Poetry.

  • John Paul

    He’s leaving to become the COO of L.E. Bands. (www.lebands.com)

  • Brenda P

    It all makes so much sense now…

  • http://peterpollock.com Peter P

    You spend WAY too much time reading and either memorizing or filing away Jon’s tweets! :-)

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      neither, Peter!!! I just scrolled through them because Twitter saves them all.

  • http://deuceology.wordpress.com Larry Carter

    I think his next project will be a book called Finished: I’ve Been Awesome Long Enough

    • http://dailygallen.com/ tim gallen

      i think you win the comment thread for this one, larry. haha!

      • http://corieclark.com/ Corie Clark

        ditto

    • http://randomlychad.com Chad Jones

      Nah, Larry.

      I’m guessing it’s going to be:

      Awesome Blossom:
      How to Bloom Where You’re Planted
      & Love IT

      • http://deuceology.wordpress.com Larry Carter

        Going to be interesting

  • http://middletree.blogspot.com James Williams

    #2: speaking roll? How’s that work? A piece of bread that talks?

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      boooo to you and your eagle eye. my typo has been corrected.

  • Eshantis

    So much funny right here. :D

  • terracecrawford

    So funny! His official statement on Facebook leaves so many questions for sure, like, so why this decision? I’m sure its going to be great for him.

    –@terracecrawford

    • http://bryanallain.com Bryan Allain

      well, just remember there are two vested parties involved here, so even when it’s not very complicated, it still kind of is. I like talking in riddles.

  • http://corieclark.com/ Corie Clark

    Hilarious! I love it! No matter what the rumors are, I know he’ll do something audacious!

  • Bob Brundrett

    That thar’s mighty funny… :-)

  • Carrie Starr

    This is great Bryan! I think it shows some wonderful support for Jon. Way to keep it light and back it with research! May these rumors fly far and wide! :)

  • joanna

    This is fantastic!

  • http://www.pauljolicoeur.com/ Paul Jolicoeur

    Well done! Made me actually laugh out loud in my nice and quite office.

  • http://lisadelay.com/blog Lisa Colon DeLay

    seriously the funniest thing I’ve read here.
    Ha. You’ve hit your stride. brilliant.
    (You’re good enough at this that you can probably just puke-’em-out. If so, I’ll take 5 and guest post you next week, if you’re up to it.) google me to find me.
    cheers

  • Maxaipa

    16. Through Benny Hinn’s ministry he repented and became a wild and wholly fundamentalist and is now roaming the Ozarks “naming & claiming” and “bobbing for Baptists”.