The 5 Most Ridiculous Arguments My Kids Have

My kids are amazing. They truly are. Thanks mostly to my wife they are well-behaved, well-adjusted, respectful, funny, and mature for their ages (8 and 10)…MOST OF THE TIME.

But every once in a while I see things from them that make me wonder if they are insane. Or if I am insane. Or if we are all on the verge of going insane.

Here’s a small peek into our insanity, brought to you by the absurd arguments my kids have had over the last year.

The 5 Most Ridiculous Arguments My Kids Have Had This Year

1. The Elevator Buttons – The controllers for our Wii have at least five buttons. The Xbox controllers have at least ten. But just when you think your kids are over the whole, “it’s fun to push buttons” thing, you get in an elevator. Suddenly pushing a button is more fun than Disney World. My kids fight over this like power forwards fighting for a fourth quarter rebound. Is it the fact that it lights up or the fact that it alters your destination? Who knows. Who cares.

The only thing that kids want to do more than push elevator buttons? Swipe the room key card in the hotel door. Apparently this is the apex of a child’s existence. It’s like using a credit card and breaking into a room at the same. Last time we stayed at a hotel Kylie offered all of her elevator button privileges to Parker in exchange for hotel door privileges. He rejected that offer like a bad organ transplant. Why strike a deal when we can argue about it for days?

2. The Toothpaste Battles – If our economic system ever breaks down and we are forced to use dental hygiene products as currency, it’s good to know my kids will be mentally prepared. I don’t know if it’s because the brushing of teeth happens before bedtime when everyone is tired and grumpy, or if they really do believe that toothpaste is a rare commodity along the lines of platinum and Honus Wagner baseball cards, but fights about toothpaste are a weekly occurrence here at the house.

Last week the problem was that Parker ran out of toothpaste from his travel sized tube he had received from the dentist, so he tried to use some of Kylie’s. This did not go over well with Kylie, who was protecting the last ounce of her mint-flavored non-Newtonian fluid like it was a precious metal. I implored Kylie to share, informing her that “I could go to the store tomorrow and buy 20 huge tubes of toothpaste for 5 bucks.” This gross exaggeration might have been a lie, but it worked in helping her understand that she needed to let it go.

3. The Toothpaste Battles, Part II – To follow up on that last point, I did not buy 20 huge tubes of toothpaste, instead opting for one “tube” of Aqua Fresh in the stand-up pump. As a kid I always thought the red, white, and blue multicolored glob of paste was the coolest thing ever. My kids weren’t that impressed, but were happy to have more toothpaste.

“Another fire put out by the best dad in the world,” I thought to myself as I walked back downstairs. That is, until I heard Parker yelling for me that Kylie was putting the toothpaste on “her side of the sink.”

Sometimes you look for the happy medium so that both children feel like the situation was handled fairly. And sometimes you look at your kids and say, “Really? We’re arguing over who’s side of the sink the toothpaste is on?” until the situation becomes uncomfortable. I went with the latter.

4. The Seat – We have a large sectional in our basement that is flanked by an end table on one end and no end table on the other end. Why do I make this distinction? Because apparently sitting on the cushion next to the end table is so important, it’s worth risking your life over.

Whenever my kids have decided to go downstairs to watch TV, I watch them out of the corner of my eye to see who’s going to think of it first. Inevitably one of them will realize “Ooh, if I rush downstairs I can get THE SEAT,” and they will hurriedly grab their snack and race down the basement steps. At this point the other one realizes they’ve missed their chance and will start complaining, “You sat in the seat last time!” even though they have no idea if that’s true.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Stop arguing over that foolish seat,” I could pay the legal fees to incorporate my own end table business.

5.  The Whipped Cream – My kids love whipped cream on their ice cream because, well, they’re kids. They love it so much that you’d think the first thing they’d do when I set their bowls in front of them was take a huge bite, right? Wrong. That would make way too much sense.

Instead, they immediately slide their bowls next to each to see which child is loved more by their father. I swear, if they put the level of scrutiny and care into their homework that they put into determining who has received more whipped cream, they would never get an answer wrong. I’m just waiting for the day they ask for a kitchen scale for Christmas so they can make it more official.

Lately I’ve given up. Instead of trying to make it even I give one of them a little bit extra on purpose so I can teach them that life isn’t fair. That usually goes over really well. I love it.

What about you? Do your kids have ridiculous arguments? Do you remember having dumb fights as a kid?

Let us know in the comments.

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com arny

    Dude…you got awesome kidos!

    My kids (3boy) (5girl) argue over a stick!….a freakin Stick!!!!
    you, know…a Stick from the freaking ground outside! LOL….

    The time amount spent in each other’s room is also an argument…
    Emily says caleb has spent too much time in her move…GET OUT!…
    soo sad…

    and insane!

    God Bless Bryan!

  • http://larryhehn.com Larry Hehn

    My two oldest actually used to fight over who got to eat the broccoli. They both wanted it! Is that just wrong?

    • http://www.alise-write.com Alise

      I think that qualifies as a Jesus Juke of children arguments.

  • http://chrystalmurphy.com Chrystal

    My three year old is currently an only child so she doesn’t have much opportunity for sibling rivalry. But when I was growing up my brother and I fought on occasion. We honestly got along pretty well but we had our moments. My mom would make us sit on the couch and hold hands until we could be friends again – worst. punishment. ever!

  • http://artsyesque.wordpress.com/ pkextraordinaire

    My kids argue over imaginary things. Like my daughters this morning, who fought over the picture of Lightning McQueen on their brother’s sippy cup. Not the cup. The picture. Who possessed the “Queen”. Who may look at it.

    Sheesh.

  • nancy

    My kids at 12 and 10 they like to argue over who is getting their shower first… neither one wants to forfeit their tv time but then the one who goes first gets extra one on one time with mommy and daddy to talk about the happenings of the day. So then they argue about that too.
    Another arguement is who is sitting in the front seat……. solution~ if they argue the both sit in to back! No arguements since rule was enforced:)

  • http://justsayray.com Russ

    Our girls also have the elevator button fight, but the worst fights are over dolls. One of them could pick up a doll that the other one hasn’t looked at in 6 months, and suddenly they both want to be the mommy.

    You could offer her one of those creepy dolls with the creepy matching outfit for the kid and a $1500 shopping spree at Toys R Us, and they wouldn’t care. They want THAT doll at THAT time and there’s no way out of it, unless you pull a Solomon on them and threaten to cut the doll in half with your machete.

    • http://www.not2us.net Lindsay

      Russ wins for hilarious biblical reference.

  • http://www.not2us.net Lindsay

    #1. I thought AquaFresh was cool as a kid, too. :)

    #2. “Lately I’ve given up. Instead of trying to make it even I give one of them a little bit extra on purpose so I can teach them that life isn’t fair. That usually goes over really well. I love it.” Lord have mercy! I cackled like a crazy woman about that. I’m conflicted, because I *totally* want to do it. (Ours would be with chocolate milk.) However, this could easily usher in World War III, and I’m just not sure I want to be responsible for that. Look what happened to Hitler’s parents and teacher and school administrators!

  • http://shawnsmucker.com Shawn Smucker

    Yeah, these all sound familiar. Especially the elevator one.

    My kids judge the amount of love I have for them by who gets the largest bowl of cereal.

  • http://www.kevinkeigley.com Kevin

    With my kids, it’s always…
    “I get to serve dad!”
    “No, I DO! It’s my turn!”
    “No way, you got to make his dinner last time – MY TURN!”
    That’s when I walk in and calmly remind them that they can ALL serve me.

  • http://laughteriscatching.com Tinkerbelle (@Lillyheart999)

    this made me laugh so much, i remember doing all those things as a kid. great post!

  • http://missionallendale.wordpress.com Joey Espinosa

    Yes. The “Elevator Buttons” vs “Room Key” battle. Except with three kids, we have a 4-year-old whiner who gets left out. Or a 7-year old whiner. Or a 10-year-old whiner.

  • http://allisonlh.wordpress.com Allison

    My sister and I fought over the bathroom nonstop until she moved out to go to college. Then we discovered that when not sharing a bathroom, we could be friends.

    I don’t have kids of my own, but I volunteer with my church’s youth group. If one of the kids gets out of line (which is rare), we institute HT (Hug Therapy). The offender must hug a youth leader of the same gender for a set amount of time to make penance for the offense. The awkwardness level is outstanding.

  • Ben

    I remember fighting about all of these… The toothpaste issue was a big one. My brother, sister and I all had a designated drawer for our “stuff” in the bathroom, but only one toothpaste tube. Who got to keep the tube in their drawer was a MAJOR issue. After (too many) years of this, my parents just bought two more tubes and we all had our own tube. It was a wise investment!

  • http://deuceology.wordpress.com LarryTheDeuce

    All I have to say is that you would think it would end by 16 and 13.

  • http://www.torconbooks.com Tor Constantino

    Very similar spats in my house. The biggest thing my girls fight over (ages 7 and 9) is who gets to clean my collection of semi-automatic firearms…I’m kidding of course, I’ll only let them sharpen my hunting knives and hatchets….

  • meowie meowerson

    our iPad went from unused $500 paperweight to the most volitile object in our house. and it’s pathetic cuz my kids are 4 and 20 months old. i’ll come home and my 20 month is sitting somewhere by himself playing with it. can’t string two words together, but can play with the iPad. and the second one realizes the other has it, it’s battle time. seriously going to whip in the kitchen trash one day.

  • http://goinswriter.com/ Jeff Goins

    Ridiculously funny. I laughed out loud while reading this. In the car.

    I almost crashed.

    Thanks for nearly killing me, Allain.

    Curses to you, your offspring, and that giant tube of toothpaste.

  • http://somewiseguy.com ThatGuyKC

    It’s so comforting to know my kids aren’t the only ones who fight over the absurd.

    I think the most recent exchange was over who got to sit where on the couch. Guess what? Everyone ended up on the floor.

  • http://www.sociallyawkwardadventures.blogspot.com ARuthC

    My sister and I once argued over whether the sun was up or not. Just for the record, it SO was!

  • http://www.warriorshepherd.com/blog Dave H

    +1 for Elevator Battle. It’s madness inside an elevator…

  • http://kathyfannon.blogspot.com kathyfannon

    My brother and I used to fight over who got to sit in the front seat in the car when we went anywhere. I argued that I should get it since I was older and would be moving out so he’d have 3 years to have it all to himself. It didn’t work.

    My kids would fight about whose turn it was to get the mail. So I made a schedule: daughter got it Tues/Thurs/Sat and son got it M/W/F. Now that they’re older (22 and 18) nobody cares and usually I get it.

  • http://evanforester.com Evan

    When I was a kid I definitely fought over the elevator buttons and doorkeys with my brother and sister.
    All fights were dwarfed, however, when we started riding bikes. Everyone wanted to be the leader, and the longer the bike ride the dirtier our tactics became. Stealth passes, shouting that we needed to stop, pushing my little sister over, nothing was off limits.
    Ok, we didn’t really push my sister over, but we wanted to because she went so slow when she was in front.

  • http://iamjakz.com jakz

    It’s always amazing what kids can find to argue about.

    I was just thinking yesterday that my boys should outgrow their toothpaste wars soon. After reading this I’m guessing I still have some time left listening to their nightly arguments, as they are 6 & 8 years old. Thanks for crushing my hopes.

  • http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com sharideth smith

    the sink. my kids can fight over a sink like apocalypse has occurred and that is the only running water left on the planet.

    no amount of reminding them there are 3 more sinks to choose from seems to make a difference.

  • http://wbd1023.wordpress.com Blake

    We tend to have one major fight right now with our two youngest children. Right now they fight over which one gets to sit in the booster seat with the blue cover, as opposed to the red cover. It doesn’t matter that the seats are exactly the same. It drives me nuts!!

    As a kid I can remember having the insane fight over who got to turn off the TV. At times we would even turn it back ON then OFF just to get to be the one who did it. Yeah, it still doesn’t make any sense.

  • http://www.stantonmartin.com Stanton Martin

    We used to always argue over who got to sit up front next to mom. All of you parents should enjoy that phase, because it wasn’t too long before we started arguing over who HAD to sit up front next to mom.

  • Pingback: Epic Childhood Battles | The Church of No People

  • http://www.karenzemek.blogspot.com Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”

    Whenever it came to sharing desserts, my parents came up with a really good way to keep them all even. They let one of us cut or fix it and then the other three got to choose first and the divider got theirs last. Guarantee this gets everything even and the parent is off the hook,.

  • http://missionallendale.wordpress.com/ Joey Espinosa

    I know I already commented, but just this morning my older 2 kids were arguing over which couch cushion they get to set it. It’s not like there is pee on any of the cushions (to the best of my knowledge).

  • Melinda

    I laughed out loud as your post reminded me of the stupid fights we had as kids. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, imagine how my parents felt with 7 of us in the mix. Thanks for letting us know that your kids are normal and not only the abnormally angelic-looking beings who pose in pictures with you.