Fisking the News

Every once in a while a news article finds it’s way onto my computer screen that demands a thorough fisking. This is one of those articles.

My commentary in blue.

Man Took Off Clothes While Hallucinating

Caregiver Charged, Accused Of Getting High On Bath Salts

We haven’t even made it to the actual article yet and already this is the most interesting thing I’ve read all year.

We have a man who is a caregiver (awesome!), who is naked (maybe not so awesome?) because he was hallucinating (definitely not awesome) on bath salts (wait, is that awesome?) and is now charged with a crime (not awesome for him).

Let’s get some more details.

MONROE TOWNSHIP, Pa. — Police charged a caregiver with reckless endangerment on accusations he got high on the synthetic drug known as bath salts.

First off, I can’t think of a more career-ending charge to slap on a “caregiver” than Reckless Endangerment. That’s like charging an accountant with Money Laundering or a Ghandi disciple with Disturbing the Peace.

“So what kind of caregiver are you?” … “Reckless. I’m a reckless caregiver. There is no reck in me, I am devoid of reck. Oh and I was also recently charged with endangering the lives of others, so there’s that.” … “Great, when can you start?”

I’d rather hire a caregiver that was convicted of grand larceny or third degree murder than someone charged with reckless endangerment. I think this guy’s days of giving care are now behind him.

And while we’re here, since when are bath salts considered a “synthetic drug”? Am I really that far removed from the drug culture of this country? (answer: yes)

John Bucher, 23, was caring for a 52-year-old mentally disabled man in a home in Monroe Township, when he took bath salts, police said.

Not to be picky here, but I’m going to disagree with the use of the word ‘caring’ in that sentence. Let’s replace “was caring for” with “was recklessly endangering the life of” and see if it reads better.

Yup, that works.

Bucher went outside and took his clothes off because he hallucinated that mice were in his clothing, police said.

I have to say, I like the fact that he was thoughtful enough to go outside. If there really were mice in your clothes, the last thing you’d want would be to let them free in the house. Next thing you know they’d be back in your clothing again. Great thinking under pressure by the young giver of no care.

And in his defense, if I was convinced there were mice in my clothing I’d be naked before you could say “naked”. In fact, I’m getting a little squirmy just thinking about it.

Last week, Gov. Tom Corbett signed a state law banning bath salts.

Perfect timing, Tommy! I love it when government works the way it’s supposed to.

It goes into effect after Aug. 23.


(You can read the original article here.)