Imaginary Conversations

Yesterday I purchased a book at a large bookstore chain.

As I was checking out, the employee asked me if I was a member of their rewards program.

In that split second before I answered, my imagination did what it does best.

How I envisioned the conversation playing out:

Employee: Are you a member of our rewards program?

Me: Nope.

Employee: Would you like to sign up? You’ll save 10% on your purchase today.

Me: No, I’m good thanks.

Employee: Are you sure?

Me: Yeah, not interested.

Employee: Really??? You’ll save 10% today and get coupons for other great deals throughout the year.

Me: No, I’m very sure that I am not interested. I appreciate you doing your job, but I am not at all interested.

Employee: It’s just that being a rewards member is free, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to be a part.

Me: Are you being serious right now?

Employee: Why, do I look like I’m joking?

Me: No, but you are disrespecting me by ignoring what I’m saying. Please check me out or I’m going to buy this book on, maybe you’ve heard of them before?

Employee: Ooh good one, funny man. Maybe you should start a humor blog since you’re such a riot.

Me:, you insufferable lemming. Check it out on your next break.

Employee: I’d rather get my tongue caught in the escalator than read anything you write, you ungrateful big-nosed money waster. Maybe you should add a Dave Ramsey book to your cart before you leave.

Me: My friend Jon works for Dave Ramsey, and I can assure you that Dave would never waste his time with your ridiculous rewards program.

Employee: Well, here’s your book you paid an extra 70 cents for because you’re a namedropping dingbat who doesn’t know how to handle his money.

Me: And here’s a dirty look to think about when you go to bed tonight and wonder what quadrant of Hades your soul is hiding in.

Employee: I hate you. Die.

Me: Right back at you.

How the conversation ACTUALLY went:

Employee: Are you a member of our rewards program?

Me: Nope.

Employee: Okay, here’s your purchase. Have a nice day!

Me: You too!

Am I the only one who imagines conversations going a whole lot different than they actually do?

Please tell me I’m not alone.