Books I Didn't Write #009

Books I Didn’t Write is a recurring gag here at the blog. I take a random picture from Flickr, come up with a title, and then write up a fake review.

Yes, it is as dumb as it sounds.

The Case For Bigger Spoons

by Bryan Allain

Publisher: GellerMind Press

Order Status: OUT OF STOCK – They’re all in the Dishwasher right now

For Fans of: Silverware drawers, spooning, eating, plastic cutlery, shallow bowls with attached handles, trivial debates, and wasting honey.

Summary: With unparalleled logic and frightening brilliance, Bryan Allain presents a bulletproof case that the spoons found in every home in the civilized world just aren’t big enough.

What People Are Saying:

“Allain’s aim is clear from the outset, and he does not disappoint. TCFBS will turn the eating utensil world on it’s head. As far as I’m concerned you can stick a fork in the teaspoon because it’s done.”

“I used to prefer teaspoons to tablespoons, but halfway through this book I threw both of them out. It’s nothing but ladles in this house from now on. The best part is, Allain’s treatise has brought me one step closer to my dream of one day eating clam chowder from a spoon made out of a wading pool attached to a hockey stick.

” My only complaint about this masterpiece of words is that Allain leaves the fork and knife out of his argument. One can only hope that his follow up manuscripts recommend replacing the inadequate knives and forks we use now with garden rakes and machetes.”

Book Excerpts:

from page 4, “Everything in our world is getting bigger. From the salaries of professional athletes to the list of failed relationships started on The Bachelor. And yet we’re still using the same spoons Paul Revere was eating Cocoa Krispies out of when he decided to scream about red jackets to his annoyed neighbors. My friends, this should not be so. “

from page 71, “Dr. Neil Calfman, Professor of Cutlery at the Denton University of Eating, has long advocated for over-sized spoons. ‘It all starts with the cabinet makers,’ he screams, as the spit flies out of his mouth onto the banana-nut bread strewn about the table. ‘I’ve been on them about creating larger spoon compartments for two decades now and they just won’t listen.’ His face, now beet-red, frightens me to the point that urine is expelled into my garments.”

from page 40, “New research has taught us that the Mayans never used knives or forks, instead opting to eat everything from handcrafted spoons. It was a practice designed to strengthen the hands and forearms of the young boys in order to make them stronger warriors. And as anyone who’s ever tried to cut through a flank steak with the side of their spoon might predict, those were the strongest hand to hand combat armies this world has ever seen.”

People Who Liked This Book Also Enjoyed:

  • Metal-Bending for Fun and Profit
  • 101 Ways to Cuddle with your Girlfriend
  • The Idiot’s Guide To Eating Liquids
  • Twilight
  • Ninja Quest 9: Spoonful of Revenge.

Place your order, leave a review, or defend your favorite utensil in the comments.

(And you can check out past Books I Didn’t Write here)