10 Ways To Know You're at a Christian Concert

Yesterday’s concert post reminded me of this post I wrote for Jon Acuff’s Stuff Christians Like blog almost a year ago to the day. This was one of my favorite guest posts I’ve ever written…

10 Ways You Know You’re At a Christian Concert

1. People are Praying for the Artist Backstage – I’ve been backstage at a few of these shows and there’s always one guy who sneaks into the green room to offer a covering of prayer for the musician. This person usually refers to himself or the artist as a prophet, and prays for a hedge of protection around the artist’s career.

The musician says “Amen” in hopes that the hedge is big enough to keep this guy out next time.

2. There’s Impromptu Praise Sessions in the Lobby – Bringing your guitar to a concert is like bringing your glove to a baseball game. Makes sense as your leaving the house, but once you get there you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake.

But while we’re all here, let’s roll up our sleeves, put on the ritz, and sing the chorus of “Awesome God” 17 times.

3. The “I Love Jesus How About You” Crowd Chants – There’s nothing a waiting crowd loves more than a Christan cheer smack down. These things are like Nickelback. I’ve never met anyone who actually likes them, yet they remain wildly popular.

4. People Wondering if the House Music is Christian – Though you can’t hear these conversations above the sound of people chanting, they’re happening all over the venue before the first band comes out:

“Hey, do you know what song this is playing right now?”

“No, but I like the way it sounds. You think it’s a christian band?”

“I don’t know. I can’t imagine they’d play secular stuff before a Christian concert.”

“Yeah, but i haven’t heard the word “hallelujah” or “worthy” yet. I’m worried it’s unredeemed.”

“Well, if these chanters ever shut up, I’ll Shazam it so we know if we need to go into judgmental mode for the rest of the night.”

5. The 30-minute Emcee Opening– Every Christian concert I’ve been to begins with a radio DJ or pastor opening the night with a terrible joke, 5 minutes of promos for upcoming events I won’t be attending, a prayer, an offering, and a 10-minute giveaway of the ugliest T-Shirts ever created.

Here’s a novel idea, how about some music?

6. The Jesus Screamer – No one is yelling out “Jesus!” at anything other than a Christian concert and living to tell about it.

7. The Sponsor a Kid Halftime Show – I’m not going to knock Compassion International or World Vision here because I love what they’re doing. I completely believe in the power of sponsoring children through these organizations and encourage you to do the same (our family currently sponsors 1 child through each of them.)

Having said that, I also believe this is the best time to use the bathroom during the show, because most people feel too guilty to get out of their seats. Hey, don’t look at me with those judging eyes, I already sponsor!

8. People Raising Their Hands During Love Songs – That poor girl in the front row has no idea this song is about the lead singer chasing his girlfriend to London. But hey, if you can praise God through the lyric “Our faces touched and then, we kissed under Big Ben”, more power to you.

9. The Worship Song Sneak-In – Wait a second, I recognize that chord progression. Could it be? No it can’t …actually, yes, it can! It’s “Shout to the Lord!” This didn’t happen last month when i saw Third Eye Blind.

Side note: all worship song sneak-ins MUST end with the chorus being sung one final time with no instruments or mic’d vocals. Just the crowd singing as loud as they can while the lead singer takes out his in-ear monitors to drink in the sound.

10. The Post-Show Theological Debate – If I had a nickel for every minute I’ve stood in line waiting to talk to Derek Webb behind some dude explaining his version of predestination and how it ties in with the story arc in Quantum Leap, I’d be able to sponsor every kid at that Compassion table.

So two questions for you (you can answer one or both):

1 – If you’ve been to a christian concert before, which one of these drives you nuts? (Or did I miss one?)

2- Who’s your favorite band/ musical artist ever? Gun to your head, you can only pick one.