The 12 Hardest Jobs For a Pirate to Hold Down

2011 is right around the corner, and it could be the biggest one yet for Pirates.

Somali pirates remain active with their plundering and pillaging, seizing a Liberian cargo vessel just this weekend. And in Hollywood, Johnny Depp will once again plunder our pockets with the 4th installment of his Pirates of the Caribbean movies slated for a summer release.

Are we headed for a Pirate Renaissance? I think so. But the bigger question is, how would pirates fit in to everyday life here in the U.S.?

And with that ridiculous lead-in I give you the 12 Hardest Jobs for a Pirate to Hold Down.

1. Manicurist/Pedicurist – You ever try giving a French Manicure with one hand and one hook? Impossible.

2. Balloon Animal Artist – Sure, the boys all loved their balloon swords and balloon pirate hats, but it was the girls’ requests that became an issue. A flower? How about a flower with a stem sword capable of piercing a man’s scurvy-laden liver, little lass?

3. Bank Teller – He’d wouldn’t last until lunch with that safe sitting right there, begging to be plundered.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates Manager – Locker Room squabbles from day 1 of spring training when the skipper asks the team’s opening day starter to swab the on-deck circle. “And you guys call yourselves pirates?”

5. Pediatric nurse – Pirates are not known for their bedside manner, and the scary eye patch really isn’t winning them any points in the toddler wing, either.

6. Cruise ship waiter – Being on the open seas brings out the worst in any pirate. One minute it’s “Can I tell you about our specials?”, the next it’s “Give me your wallet or I’ll filet you like a tuna, you crusty landlubber.”

7. Ultra-marathoner – That’s just too much to ask of a wooden peg-leg.

8. Actual Pirate – Tough job for anyone to hold down these days, even a real pirate.

9. Nabisco Factory Worker – By Thursday of his first week, fellow co-workers are so tired of him yelling “Chips Ahoy!” that they start a mutiny that ends with him getting thrown into the cookie ovens.

10. Department store portrait studio photographer – There’s only so much baby fussing a man can take before he starts looking for a loaded cannon to crawl into.

11. Chuck E. Cheese Ticket Redeemer – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There’s no worst job than standing there while a 12-year old agonizes over a choice between a plastic spider ring and a second roll of smarties. I’d rather walk the plank into shark-infested waters covered in chum.

12. Check the comments. Because I’m sure my readers will come up with some gems.

(Yeah, that’s your cue. What would be one of the hardest jobs for a pirate to hold down?)