Sometimes Tyler Stanton and I get angry at people. Instead of yelling at them, we hold it in and write them letters we’ll never actually deliver because we’re punks.
These are those letters.
Dear Kroger cashier who clearly would rather be chain smoking Newport lights than scanning my groceries,
I don’t care if you stick my milk in a bag or not.
I don’t care if you stick it in the cart, stick it on your head, or stick it in a huge treasure chest with fake gold coins and a hermit crab.
I only have so many decisions in me, Ashleyy with two y’s, let’s not waste one on this.
And speaking of waste, let’s do something about those roots, honey.
Angrily yours, Tyler & Bryan
PS – take your super saver card and shove it
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Dear Guys Who Pick Up My Trash,
I really appreciate the fact that you haul away my refuse on a weekly basis. Really, I do.
But do you have to try and set the world record for Most Noise Made at 4am every single Friday morning? I swear, it’s like your banging the cans against the side of the truck just to wake me up.
Last week it sounded like one of you plugged into an amp and played the intro to Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song.
For the love of all that is quiet and asleep, please just take my garbage and move on.
Angrily Yours, Tyler and Bryan
PS – Do you have to compact the trash right outside my window every time? No. No, you don’t.
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Dear TheLadders.com,
I don’t care how hard it is for people who make more than $100,000 to find jobs.
Not even a little bit.
Angrily yours, Tyler & Bryan
PS – Take your tennis court commercial and shove it.
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How about you? Got an angry letter you need to write?
Amen on the third. ha.
My angry letter would probably be to the President but I don’t want to write it and have angry men in sunglasses and a suit show up at my door. ha.
Dear Aging/Overly-Cautious Driver,
While I appreciate your apparent concern for road safety, you seem to not realize that driving 5mph BELOW the speed limit is much more dangerous in today’s culture than driving 5mph OVER the speed limit. You are preventing me from getting to my house in a timely fashion. If you did that on foot, you would be arrested for illegal detention. So either get your Mercury/Cadillac/Minivan/Junker out of my way, you criminal, or drive a more reasonable speed.
Angrily Yours,
Joseph
PS: How do you always seem to know when I’m in the biggest hurry and get in front of me then? Are you monitoring my communications and movements? That’s also illegal.
Dear Old Man Who Yelled At Me Because My Dog Was Barking,
Yeah, I know my dog is a yapper. She’s a little dog. It’s what they do. In fact, I was getting ready to shut the door to quiet her when you walked over to start yelling at me. By doing so you actually prolonged the incessant barking and made yourself look like a belligerent fool. Did you really bark back at my dog? Really? Did that happen?
I’m gonna say extra prayers for you tonight.
Angrily Yours,
Wes
P.S. Take your old-man-brown-orthopedic-shoes and trot yourself down to the VFW for bingo night.
Dear Bryan Allain,
What heck do you think you’re doing? Man, I look forward to cliché Thursdays, and now you’ve gone and mixed it up! You can’t do that! Don’t you know you have faithful readers–like moi–who depend on those clichés to start our Thursdays? What gives, Bryan Allain (and is that “aye-yane,” or “al-lane”–like Lois’s big brother? All I know is, Bryan Allain, you have let me down in a big way.
Sincerely,
A former reader
PS that was all in jest–I’m actually interviewing Bryan on my blog next Monday
Dear Rude Receptionist,
I’m sorry if I interrupted your personal phone so that I could make a doctor’s appointment 8 months from now for an earache that currently has me writhing in pain, laying on my bathroom floor, and wishing for my mommy. By the sound of your tone I am guessing that you just found out that you were adopted while having a root canal, so I promise to keep this short. I also wanted to thank you for keeping me on hold for 25 minutes before telling me that you need my insurance card information. I am sure I could have found a way to drag myself to my purse and find it within that 25 minute time frame had I known. The exasperated sigh that you make after every question I ask is especially calming. I don’t know how you feel, but for me, the highlight of our phone call was definitely when you left the phone off of hold so I could hear your conversation and told the person sitting next to you that you can’t stand people and can’t wait to get home, watch Maury, and eat some Easy Mac.
Angrily Yours,
Katie M
PS – I hate to ruin Maury for you, but….HE’S NOT THE FATHER!
Dear fellow WaWa patron,
I see you almost every morning when I buy my dally cup of coffee. You always buy coffee and a pack of smokes. The amount never changes yet each morning, when Jean tells you the amount due, you act shocked that you have to pay for this stuff. Only then do you start to rummage thru that suitcase sized handbag of yours, and search for money. You seem clueless as to where, in that tartus of a handbag, the money may be hiding. You dump out keys, cosmetics, tissues, frozen dinners…but no money. Do us a favor and have your cash out for once.
Sincerely,
Tapper
PS After you leave, Jean tells me she wants to wring your neck too.
But seriously, Tyler’s angry face is so much more believable.
Bryan is angry in a “you know I’m kidding, right?” kind of way. Tyler is convincingly “I will shave your eyebrow with a rusty bic if you suggest I wear a v-neck again” angry.
Unbiased observer. don’t kill the messenger.
Dear Ben,
how dare you?
You know Tyler is an actor and I am merely a writer.
Thanks for rubbing lemon-scented anthrax in my wounds.
Angrily Yours, Bryan
PS – Unbiased my arse.
Sorry Bryan, but I’m with Ben on this one. Tyler’s face is screaming, “Yes, I will punch kittens in the face if you make me angry.”
While your face portrays, “I might pinch the back of your arm when you’re not looking and run away if you make me angry.”
Just sayin.
Dear Janet Napolitano
Is it really necessary for the security of our country that you see me naked? I don’t think so.
Do you have to be felt up every time you get on your private jet? I don’t think so.
I do not think that me wanting to go see my family on Thanksgiving is a reason for some mall cop to feel my junk.
Sincerely hating these new security measures
Adam
Dear boss,
Please stop coming to my desk interrupting my reading of sometimes funny blogs. It is really annoying to have to focus on reading while listening out for your footsteps and holding the mouse on the minimize thingy.
Also, I need a raise for being able to multi-task like this.
Angrily Yours,
Laz
This made me laugh so hard…my mouse is always lingering around the minimize button!
this is the best one on here
Dear my son’s school,
I have been bringing my son here every day for 4 years. I have always said a cheerful good morning to the nice chinese lady greeter and walked my son to his classroom. Why this year did you decide to replace friendly chinese lady with newly hired dirty hippy guidance counselor with an earring, and have him enforce the new policy of me never entering the school again? I was embarrassed when he chased me down the hall in front of the other parents, and i ignored him because i thought he was a typical busy-body western mass parent-association type. I wanted to break out some of my old street hockey fighting moves i was so angry, but there were kids around. next time have someone i know enforcing the new policies. and dont chase me like i just went through airport security with wires sticking out of my air jordans.
Jeff
PS. you are a grownup now. put on a clean shirt.
Hey, Dude, I have to do my job. What, you don’t want your son’s school to be safe.
I love you, man.
If you need a hig, I am here for you.
Peace!!
New Guidance Counselor (I prefer the title “Friend”)
PS: Detergent and deodorant invade my oneness with nature.
Dear Happy Hour Server,
Is it really necessary for you to stare at my ID for more than 30 seconds?
Yes, my birth date is located in the same spot as the one you checked before mine.
Yes, I look younger than 21.
No, that is not a fake ID.
Just FYI.
Annoyed,
Patty
P.S. You look like you’re 40. Just sayin.
Dear Person in front of me at Starbucks,
Starbucks is not new, it’s been around for a while now. They don’t have small, medium or large, so don’t act surprised or offended when the Barista (the unkempt kid who makes your coffee) corrects you on your verbiage. I realize they have an extensive menu, but must you stand there occupying the Barista’s time, trying to decided, while they could have poured my coffee and I could be on my way? I guess it’s your world, and the rest of us just live in it.
Sincerely,
Zach
PS~ if you think Starbucks is too expensive, 7-11 sells coffee
Dear Waitress who thinks that I don’t actually want to leave the restaurant when I have asked for a box and my check,
Clearly, I want to leave. Give me my check. Give me my box. Don’t talk to your co-workers, roll silverware or restock cups. I want to leave. Sorry about the bad tip, but making me wait 20+ minutes to leave the restaurant after finishing my meal was the last straw (ha ha) amongst all of the other bad service you gave us. Get a new job, one where you don’t have to interact with humans.
Mary Beth
I always made sure to get people there checks right away when I waited tables because that’s one of my biggest pet peeves!
Me too! It’s the absolute worst! A year ago or so we had a waiter do this to us and I actually did write him an angry letter on the back of the receipt…well it was more of an informative letter. I felt like he might have had hope at becoming a better waiter! The current incident just happened on Saturday! She was not cut out to be in food service!
What a great Angry Letter! That is annoying, but it is annoying me in retrospect. I think it annoyed me in the past a little, but now that you have put a spotlight on it, I am retroactively angry about a hundred times over!!!
Ha ha, thanks! I probably would have actually written her a letter if her manager hadn’t actually stopped by our table…poor manager, she got to hear all of this come right out of my mouth!
Dear Lady Who Cut in front of Me in the Drive Thru,
Really? REALLY? You are lucky I’m a Christian because this is California and you can get shot for that kind of b***sy behavior. At the very least I had a lot of pennies in my car and any number of them could have hit your car as you were driving away. You got lucky this time… Make sure the next person you do that to also has a NotW sticker on her car…
Dear Manager at my crappy, minimum wage job;
Please stop acting surprised, mad, and personally hurt that I am looking for a better job. I will not work here forever. I will not work here one day longer than I have to.
Temporarily Yours,
Liz
In Response to Number 1:
Dear Bryan and Tyler,
Why thank you for writing such a lovely letter of support and acknowledgement of what a cashier does.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t help your time in the store be any better than it already was, especially with the lovely children that you have. Why they are so calm and collective. How do you do that? They don’t come in and ask for things right off the shelf or grab the biggest box of Lucky Charms possible and sneak it in Mom’s basket or cry or scream. They are serious the NICEST KIDS EVER.
Oh and I can’t forget the eggs that you “accidently” dropped on the way to the register. I’m sure the baggers don’t mind at all going and getting you another carton of eggs. No they don’t care that they work for minimum wage and have to go to the other side of the earth to get a grocery cart that you were way too lazy to take to one of the grocery cart holders of many in the parking lot.
I really seriously DON’T mind working the day before Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I could go on about how I seriously enjoy my job but I must go and return all the items that you did not want from your last trip to our lovely store.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Your Friend, an Alumni of the Cashier Team
(My first job when I was 16, was a cashier. I worked for a different store, BiLo. When I saw this, I couldn’t help but respond back.)
By the way, not every cashier smokes. Just saying. Thanks categorizing us all.
Dear Grocery Store Clerk,
Newsflash: I really don’t care to hear you tell me how much I saved after I just spent my hard earned money at your store. I really don’t want to wait while you find the spot on the receipt that says how much I saved. Really. I can read it myself. Except that I probably won’t. I was at your store because I chose to be. I purchased some items at your store because I needed to. Why do you continue to shave 10 seconds off of my life and make me even later for work than I already am every time I visit your store? Please tell your manager that the store policy of reading me my “savings” makes me want to run from the store screaming without my receipt and groceries never to return again. Please, stop holding me hostage and just give me my groceries so I can get the heck out of there.
Thank you very much.
p.s. The next time you do this to me, I plan to rip that flippin receipt out of your hand, reach over the counter and grab my own bag of groceries which may result in the loss of a couple of your fingers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Dear customer in front of me in the express check-out lane with more than 20 items,
I’m sorry, can you not read? There’s a little sign above the register that says “Express Lane: 20 items or less.” Clearly, you with your cart full of a zillion items do not qualify to be in this line. I’m sorry the world does not revolve around you & your busy schedule. Clearly your time is more important than anyone else’s. I’m sure as I leave the store, I will see you loading said groceries into your vehicle parked in a handicapped spot which you clearly do not qualify for (physically, any way).
Beyond annoyed,
Kristi
Dear Fellow Cashier,
I realize that our particular retail store has many customer service rules/regulations/whatever you want to call them. I also realize that you probably read these regulations every night/morning before you come in for your shift. And the fact that you had the audacity to correct me about my job…don’t do it again. I will NOT push the customer to pay $3 extra for a product replacement plan when they say NO to me the first time. And why am I training people and you’re not even though you’ve been there 4x’s as long as I have? Maybe because I know what I’m doing….there’s a thought. Oh, and you were really creepy when you told that lady you would go home with her to help her unload her groceries. FYI.
Regretfully working with you this weekend,
Sara
PS if you tell me you missed me this past week when I show up for work tomorrow, you might get written up for harassment. Just sayin’. There’s always that possibility….
Dear person who borrowed a Handicap placard so you could park in the handicapped space at the grocery store,
Did it ever occur to you that some actually disabled person needs that space? Just because you are annoyed that the best spaces are closest to the store doesn’t make it ok for you to borrow grandma/grandpa/deceased relative/friend’s placard so you can get a better parking spot. No, it’s not ok for you to go with a disabled person to the store so he/she can sit in the car while you go shopping. And no, stupidity is not a disability entitling you to those spots.