This is a guest post from my friend Janelle. I blogged about her wedding in 2002 because I almost lost a leg to melting. I tried to cover my tracks when I found out she read my blog recently, but it didn’t turn out so well. You can read the rest of the story in my COLLIDE Magazine article (available online soon).
Oh, and if you’re here because I guest-posted at Stuff Christians Like today, thanks so much for coming. If you’re trying to decide whether or not to add me to your feed reader or bookmark bar, check out that fancy carousel of my favorite posts near the top of the page. There’s “The Truth About Bears“, “The Best of My Ramblings“, “The 25 Most Embarrassing Non-Sexual Things To Catch Your Grandparents Doing“, and a few more. Hope you enjoy.
I should probably thank Bryan for allowing me to guest post today. However, I’m pretty sure he owes me big time for completely crapping on my wedding day here at his blog. So, let’s just call it even okay?
And speaking of crap…..that’s why I’m here. My very first guest post and it’s about poop. I’m alright with that though because my days consist of tiny hineys and the things that excrete from them, from son up to son down!!
As a wife and mother of three, I have several pet peeves; here are the ones that have to do with poop. I’ll be saying the word “poop” a lot, so get use to it.
1. So I’m scrubbing our toilet and wondering where that new mark on the seat came from. Did the kids get into the permanent markers again? I scrub for one more second and it finally gives up its fierce grip. Only then do I realize that I’ve been scrubbing at someone’s piece of feces for the past 45 seconds. I clench my jaw and swallow hard to keep myself from gagging.
2. The potty trained child has finished his great deed for the day. He calls out to his Mother for help in removing any debris from his crack; “MOOOOOM, COME WIPE MY HINEY!” The dutiful Mother quickly stands him up, parts the cheeks, and wipes.
2a.) Pardon me as I stop for a moment and chat a bit about the “parting of the cheeks”. Why has NO ONE ever talked to me about this? I have many friends and family with children, but never once has this conversation come up. Am I the only one who spreads my child’s butt apart to perform a full visual inspection? I must make sure all poop is removed. I often feel that I’m on another planet during these seconds. I’m turned upside down, my face approximately 4 inches from a butt hole and this is a normal day. Oh, the glamorous life of a housewife!!
2b.) Minutes later there’s a linger which surrounds only me. Questioning the situation I realize that indeed a micro-bead of my child’s poop has gotten on my finger and buried it’s nasty, stinky self under my fingernail. And so, my finger smells like poop for the rest of the day no matter how hard I scrub, cut, file or lather. Top it all off with the need I feel to keep smelling it, just to check if it’s gone yet. Sexy.
3. I finally decide to bathe my third born, she’s fresh, clean and ready to hit the road…..perhaps even loaded into her car seat. When with one strong grunt and a cute little smile of relief everything is undone. And of course this always happens when we’re in a hurry or actually have somewhere to go….church, birthday party, wedding. I now have approximately 14 minutes of clean-up added to my day, not to mention the next 7 minutes entirely devoted to removing a onesie loaded with yellow, runny, seedy mustard poop. It’s a tricky thing getting a poop filled onesie over the head of a baby. I’m no expert.
4. Never thought the day would come when I’d envy my husbands bowel movements. The leisure, the efficiency, the solitude, the consistency, (in regularity, not in like REAL consistency. Although I’ve heard they’re pretty “good”, with him being a vegetarian and all). It just gets to me some days, the way he can just waltz right in here and use the bathroom at 5:32 every evening. No distractions. No worries. No interruptions. I’ve only been a Mom for 5 years. I don’t feel like I’ve learned that much, except the following. Apparently there is an inner siren that children can hear when their primary caregiver needs to use the bathroom. It’s the subtleties they pick up on you know.
I will now be completely honest with you, totally un-ladylike and perhaps even crass. I long for a quiet place to slowly take a dump. There, I said it. For a lot of Mothers it’s no small feat to get to the bathroom unnoticed. I’ve been known to leave a trail of cheerios as I cunningly back out of the room. Surely this will keep my toddler occupied so as to have some privacy. It’s worked a time or two, but they’re onto me now. Or, here’s the worst ever, I’ve even sat my toddler on my lap while I took care of business! At least I had the pleasure of knowing she wasn’t getting into anything. It’s pathetic. I’m telling you, (whispers) they can hear my peristalsis. I swear it.
5. Why do men like to talk about their poop like it’s a treasure? It starts dreadfully young; my 5 year old does it already, “ooooh Mom that was a big one? Don’t flush it okay, I have to show it to Luke”, (his younger brother). And so I watch as my sons join around the toilet, oohing and ahhing over their creation. “We have to say goodbye to it now.” They flush and wave.
So, there you have it, just a few of my pet peeves about poop.
I love the fact that many of you are going to be totally revolted by this post. Personally, I loved it.
You can read more of this type of honesty (and less about poop) from Janelle at her blog, I highly recommend it. And I’m not just saying that because I trashed her wedding in my blog.
Thanks again Janelle!