Reality Shows That Would OWN Me

I love reality TV and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Chances are you do too. I mean, honestly, with so many different forms of reality tv to choose from, everyone’s got to have a guilty pleasure or two from the genre that they enjoy.

Since Reality TV is all about “real people” getting their 15 minutes, I got to thinking about which shows I could possibly succeed at, and which shows would destroy me like the Smoke Monster play wrestling with Mister Eko.

Tomorrow I’ll write about the shows I could crush, but first let’s focus on the shows that would crush me. And oh, there are so many.

Top 3 Reality TV shows that Would Own Me (and 9 honorable mentions)

1. Survivor – The social game I could hack. Making alliances, fitting in, not making people angry. That stuff I’d be fine at.

But everything else? Not a chance. I’m not an outdoorsman so I’m not making fires, climbing trees for coconuts, or catching wild chickens (have you seen those sharp beaks? I’d get freaking pecked to death.)

I’m not big on water either, so I’m not catching any fish, doing well in the water challenges, or sleeping in a monsoon. And what about those challenges where you have to eat bugs and other disgusting nonsense? Forget it. I gag at vinegar.

Plus there’s Jeff Probst. I’d be so giddy being around him that I’d probably say something dumb at Tribal and get voted off the show.

Outwit? Maybe. Outplay? Doubt it. Outlast? Never.

2. The Amazing Race – Erica and I always laugh about how bad we would be at this. Granted, we’re not as bad as we used to be in the car, but when we first got married things could get a little tense from time to time.

The thing is, Erica likes to know where she’s going. Me…I’m not so concerned. I figure we’ll make it there eventually and it will work out. My attitude works great when you’re on a leisurely drive around town. On the Amazing Race? Not so much.

Pretty sure she’d ditch me in South America by the 3rd episode if we hadn’t been eliminated yet.

3. Project Runway – If you made a list of the 1000 Most impossible Things For Bryan Allain To Do, “Making a Dress from Scratch” would be in the top 5. (I’m guessing it would be number 3 nestled between “Fasting Cheese for the rest of my life” and “Going #2 in less than 4 minutes”.)

How do they expect people to make a dress? I can’t even cut the sleeves off a t-shirt to make it into a sleeveless shirt. I can’t even buy a hoodie without texting my wife to see if she likes it. I’m not comfortable buying my own garments, and you want me to create them? In 2 days? So wacky fashion people can judge what it looks like on models?

Sorry Tim Gunn, not happening.

Honorable Mentions:

Ice Road Truckers – Nope. Nope. and Nope. I’m 0-for-3 with those words.

Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire – I only threw this one on the list to remind us all that FOX actually put this on TV. I still remember watching in disbelief as the two of them danced to “I knew I loved you before I met you” at the end of the show. It might still be the dumbest thing I have ever seen with my own eyes.

Dancing With the Stars – Do I have rhythm? Yes. Do i know how to translate that rhythm into trained dance moves? Not a chance. Do I want to give up hundreds of hours of my life to learn said dance moves with some other chick only to embarrass myself on national TV? I think you know the answer.

So You Think You Can Dance? – Actually, no I don’t. see above.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta – self-explanatory

Last Comic Standing – Considering I’m too chicken to do stand up, this one wouldn’t work out very well. (Especially after hearing Tripp talk about how hard it was his first time.)

Hell’s Kitchen – Unless the 8-week season focused on contests around making omelets, pouring quality bowls of cereal, mixing and matching cheese and crackers, heating clam chowder from a can, picking a great frozen pizza, eating a great frozen pizza, toasting bagels, and grilling meat, I wouldn’t have a shot.

The Ultimate Fighter – This might sound like an embellishment, but I can tell you this with all honesty. If I was on this show with every other healthy 34-year old male in America, I would come in last place. I am the Ultimete Non-Fighter. Now THAT’s a show I could crush.

The Apprentice – After 8 uninterrupted minutes of snickering at Donald Trump’s sorry excuse for a haircut, I’m pretty sure I’d be FIRED. And even though it would be edited out of the show, I’d stand up, get right in Donald’s face, and yell, “No Mr. Trump, your scalp is fired.” Then I’d take a dump on the boardroom table and catch the next train back to Amish country.

So that’s MY list, but what about you?

Which reality show (or shows) would you be the absolute worst at?

(and come back tomorrow for the reality shows I would totally crush.)