Reality TV Shows I Would OWN

Yesterday I gave you a handful of reality shows that would chew me up and spit me out like cow cud.

Today it’s the reality shows I would have the easiest time laying waste to.

Top 3 Reality TV Shows I Would Destroy On (and 9 honorable mentions)

1. Big Brother – Having watched every season of this low-brow series, I know the ropes well enough to survive the first few evictions. DON’T win a money prize early on. DON’T play the social game too hard the first week. DON’T start lying and manipulating other houseguests until you really need to. DON’T rock the boat.

I’ll never go on Big Brother because spending an entire summer away from my family and having my insanity televised would be a disaster. But if I HAD to do it, I’m pretty sure I could lie, manipulate, and hustle my way into the last few weeks of the show where it’s anyone’s game. Anyone else out there watch Big Brother or are Erica and I the only ones? #Shame

2. Jersey Shore – Hey everyone, look who’s moving into the house! It’s a normal looking dude with very little GTL experience. (I go to the Gym twice a week, I never pay for a Tan, and I help my wife with the Laundry once in a while).

Tune in next week when Bryan is once again the designated driver who saves Snooki from a DUI. And later in the season when Ronnie and The Situation get in a bar fight, watch Bryan break Usain Bolt’s 100-meter record sprinting away from the altercation, prompting an intervention at the house where Bryan is called out for his lack of back-up. And you don’t want to miss the season finale where the rest of the house attacks Bryan for reading a book.

3. The Bachelorette – This one could get me in trouble, but hear me out. First off, I’m not a chiseled stud like most of the dudes that go on this show, so any scene by the pool would be embarrassing; I realize that. But I think I could last until the Top 3 or 4 just based on the fact that I’m low-maintenance, I get along with other guys, I occasionally make people laugh, I’m comfortable with who I am, I’m not a psycho stalker who sings made up songs in a whisper voice, and I’m not nicknamed ‘Shooter’. (If you’ve got no clue what I’m talking about, feel free to read this Bachelorette writeup Tyler and I did this summer.)

Once it got down to the last few guys I know I’d get booted, but I think I could last most of the season just based on the fact that I’m not an idiot.

Honorable Mentions:

Deal or No Deal – I swear, as soon as that pot got over $50,000 I’m taking the deal and running. You have to believe me. I don’t care which one of you guys were yelling at me “No Deal!”, I don’t care how loud the audience was yelling at me. I would TOTALLY not get swept up in the moment. #NotTrue

American Idol – No really, people have told me I can sing. I mean, my mom has at least. And I sang at a party once and a couple people told me they loved it. I’m pretty sure the audition is going to go well and they’re going to love me.

What Not to Wear – Having a fashion-savvy wife hides the fact that I’m not really on the cutting edge of what’s in and what’s out. Without her I’m pretty sure my closet would consist of 30 shirts featuring some form of the color blue, the same 3 pairs of jeans, and 800 baseball caps. Stacy and Clinton could have a field day with me.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire – Um, I do, that’s who. I tried to get on the show by calling in but never got all 3 questions right. Any of you try the same thing back when this show was all the rage?

Who Wants to Marry My Dad – Remember this show? Me neither. But I could have this one squared away before the commercial break in episode 1. My mom wants to marry my dad. The end.

Pimp My Ride – Sure why not. But first how about wash my ride, clean the inside of my ride, give my ride an oil change and a new air filter, pay the insurance on my ride, and then go ahead and install the flatscreen TV and low profile tires.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition – Trust me, I’d be really good at crying tears of joy upon finding out that someone put $150,000 of work into my house. Move that Bus! (just be careful it doesn’t run over that Amish dude on the scooter).

Making the Band – like Diddy always says, “Every great boy band needs a schnoz.”

Beauty and the Geek – Um, hello. Welcome to my life.

Your turn again.

What reality TV show would you absolutely crush on?

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