The 10 Worst Voicemail Greetings

On Friday we talked about the joys of setting up your own voicemail greeting.

Today we’re going to look at some of the worst recordings in voice mail history.

The 10 Worst Voice Mail Greetings ever Recorded

#1 “Hello … hello? … hello? … Just Kidding, leave me a message.”

This is the WORST. VOICE MAIL. GREETING. EVER. I laughed when Tyler mentioned it on his blog last week, because I had just been talking about it with a friend the week before.

It was funny the first time it got you, and then it was not funny the next 8,306 times.

If you still have this for a greeting, you might be interested to know that your friends hate you.

#2 “Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message at the beep. Like you needed me to tell you that, right? I mean, how many times have you done this? You already know what to do.”

This is the first in the “you know what to do” trilogy.

In this version, you pretend to realize how dumb it is to leave instructions WHILE you are leaving instructions. Hey everyone, listen to me having an epiphany, and then leave me a message.

#3 “Hey this is Bryan, I’d tell you what to do at the beep, but I’m pretty sure you already know what to do. So yeah, just do it.”

Version #2 of the trilogy, in which you are pretending to be post-epiphany.

Like, right before you recorded this greeting you realized how dumb it would be to leave instructions. But you still wanted me to know how dumb it would be for you to leave instructions, so you wasted 20 seconds of my time telling me that you already knew I would know how to do it.

You should have just left instructions.

#4 “Hey this is Bryan, you know what to do.”

Version #3 of the trilogy.

The shortest? Yes? The one that makes you sound like a smarmy jerkface? Yes.

#5 “Thanks for calling, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

This is great, except for the fact that you didn’t identify yourself.

If I’m your best friend, that’s not a problem. But otherwise, I have no idea if I’m leaving a message for the right person or not. Was that his voice? I couldn’t tell. It kinda sounded like Micheal Cera. Did I accidentally just call Michael Cera’s phone? “Hey if this is Alex, it’s Bryan Allain…call me back. And if this is Michael Cera, loved you in Year One. You may also call me back.”

#6 [automated robot] “The number you have reached, 717-555-9406, is not available. Please leave a message at the beep.” [/automated robot]

A robot? Seriously, a robot? Are you that lazy that you can’t set up a stinking voice mail greeting?

I have no idea if I’ve dialed the right number or if I’m about to leave a message for Kim Jong-il (why wouldn’t Kim Jong-il have a cellphone with a Lancaster County, PA area code?). If I’m killed tonight by snipers from North Korea, this is all your fault.

#7 “Please enjoy this music while we connect you with your call”

Okay, this isn’t a voice mail greeting, but I needed to get this off my chest.

3 Issues I have with this:

1. If the reason I was calling you was to ask you what kind of music you like, this little interlude would be perfect. But let me assure you, the reason I was calling was NOT to ask you what kind of music you like.

2. It should only take 8 seconds to connect me with your phone, and no longer. So if I have to listen to 15 seconds of your crappy music, it means you’ve prolonged the connection process just to expose me to your musical tastes. How dare you.

3. 4 out of 5 people who employ this service have country music as their song of choice while I wait to be connected. It’s as if country music fans got together and said, “if only we could get 15 seconds of our music into people’s ears, they would see how amazing it is. Does anyone have a bright idea of how we could force people to listen to 15 seconds of country music?”

Okay, rant over.

#8 “Hey this is Bryan, sorry that I couldn’t make it to my phone in time or that I’m on the other line. I’ll get back to you when I can. Unless the reason i didn’t pick up was because I was just in an accident or dropped my phone in the toilet. Then you might never hear from me. But trust me, there is a good reason I’m not picking up. Leave a message!”

No need to list out the reasons for why you didn’t pick up.

I have a phone. I don’t always answer it. I know how this works.

#9 “Hey, this is Bryan, sorry I missed your call. You can leave me a message, or shoot me an email at bryanallain at gmail dotcom and I’ll get back to you. Thanks.”

My buddy Jake does this one, and I’ve given him crap for it a few times.

Hey Jake, if I wanted to email you, I would’ve emailed you. It’s not like I forgot email existed until I heard your voice mail greeting and thought “Holy crap! TOTALLY forgot about that whole email thing! Let me hang up on this phone call and waste another 5 minutes sending you an email that would have taken me 20 seconds to speak.”

#10 “Hey it’s Bryan, tell me a story.”

Who in their right mind would have such a hipster doofus moron greeting?

Well, if you left me a message at some point in 2009 there was a good chance you heard that greeting.


So that’s my list, but I’m sure I’ve left some terrible greetings off.

What’s the worst greeting you’ve ever heard, or better yet, what’s the worst greeting you’ve ever had on your phone?

Leave a message in the comments after the beep.