10 Years of Cellphones

It’s been what, 10 years now that we’ve all been carrying cell phones?

Well, here’s what I think I’ve learned in the last 10 years.

10 Things I’ve learned about cellphones

#1 – Antennas should not protrude several inches higher than the phone. And it DEFINITELY shouldn’t be one of those flimsy ones you have to pull up to get better reception. And it MOST DEFINITELY shouldn’t be built into the frame of the phone so that it experiences signal loss from holding it like a normal human. (That being said, I LOVE my iPhone 4)

#2 – The bluetooth earpiece is definitely not cool. A good accessory for the car? Absolutely. A lifesaver for someone who spends all day on the phone? Sure. But cool? Nope. The exact opposite, actually.

#3 – The only thing less cool than the bluetooth earpiece is the belt holster. Listen dude, phones are small enough now to fit comfortably into any pair of jeans you can find in the men’s section. I’d rather you wear your phone in a bedazzled fanny pack than in a belt holster.

#4 – Using anything other than a ring tone for your ring tone is a mistake. No matter how funny/cool/appropriate your song ring tone is, your phone is going to ring around people who just won’t get it. Then you’re stuck saying things like, “Yeah…I’ve always been a Stones fan” or “Why does my ring tone sound like Jock Jams? It’s a long story”. Custom ring tones are like custom license plates. Seems like a cool idea at first, but never lives up to its potential. Trust me, just go with Marimba.

#5 – Signs at the Doctor’s Office are to be ignored. Any sign that says “Please refrain from using cellular devices in this office” might as well say “Throw your cellphone on the ground and take a dump on it”. No chance I’m honoring your unreasonable signage.

#6 – Don’t hate someone for using their phone to its full potential. If we’re at dinner and there’s an intense argument happening over how old Snoop Dogg is, I am ABSOLUTELY going to take 45 seconds to google the answer on my phone. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. Moments like those are the exact reason I pay for the data plan. (and for the record, Snoop is 38.)

#7 – When a phone falls out of your pocket in the car, it immediately shrinks and lubricates itself to be able to fall through the tiniest of cracks so it can settle somewhere where it cannot be reached without pulling over and moving the front seat. You’re nodding your head right now, aren’t you?

#8 – The “I never got your text” defense immediately destroys your credibility. You ALWAYS get my texts. Phone companies kinda have the ‘delivering the text to the right phone’ thing down at this point. I’d rather you just tell me the truth: “From the moment i saw that you texted me, I knew with 100% certainty I would never reply.”

#9 – The least important thing my phone does is make calls. It’s much more important as a gaming device, a camera, a video camera, a GPS device, an iPod, a gaming device, a google machine, an email checker, and a Twitter updater. The phone calls are just icing on the cake.

#10 – The cellphone is one of the best diversion devices ever invented. There’s nothing better than avoiding an awkward conversation or greeting by putting your phone up to your ear and having a fake conversation. Gotta be honest here, I’m AWESOME at having fake conversations. I think I’m better at pretend conversations than real ones, though I’m not sure if that’s something I should be proud of.

What about You?

Anything you’ve learned about cellphones over the past 10 years you’d like to share?