The LeBron Press Conference I Want to See

Tonight at 9pm Eastern Time the world will stand still while some dude announces which basketball team he is going to accept paychecks from for the next 3 to 7 years.

Will I watch? Yes.

Am I ready for this to be over? Yes.

Do I have some ideas for other things LeBron should announce during his presser? Absolutely.

23 Things I Want from LeBron’s Press Conference.

1. He proudly announces that the rest of his career is being sponsored by, and admits that the real reason he joined Twitter this week was to follow @bryanallain.

2. He inhales helium before uttering each sentence.

3. He confirms that after intense negotiations with Brad Lomenick, he has signed on to speak at Catalyst 2011. (Brad later goes on to say that Andy Stanley has been traded to Ben Arment’s Story Conference for some bottled water and a speaker to be named later.)

4. He admits USC’s football program tried to give him money under the table in 2005 despite the fact that he had nothing to do with their school.

5. He claims he has never seen, nor wept for, a double rainbow.

6. He introduces his own line of LeBron James Silly Bandz shaped like crowns, basketballs, hundred dollar bills, and over-sized egos.

7. He explains the value of his max contract by saying he’ll get a million dollars for every time Bachelor Jake yelled at Vienna during their 4 month engagement.

8. He says the hardest question he’s wrestled with this offseason is “Who will un-retire more times, Brett Favre from football or Tripp Crosby from blogging?”

9. He waxes poetic for 20 minutes on the LOST series finale, connecting the plight of the Losties to his struggle for a new contract.

10. He shows us how many marshmallows he can fit into his mouth.

11. He announces that he’s hired a new agent, Mr. Neil Calfman.

12. He unveils a partnership with Jon Acuff in which the 1000th post on Stuff Christians Like will be titled “SCL #1000: The REAL King James Edition”.

13. He prophecies the exact date the iPhone will be available on Verizon.

14. He adamantly denies being sucked into the Back to the Future hoax from earlier this week.

15. He declares that the Cannarf Rating System will replace all other methods of judging things, including the slam dunk contest at the 2011 All-Star game.

16. He demands that Lindsey Lohan be released from jail, and refuses to sign with any team until she is free.

17. He says he could really use a holocaust cloak.

18. He admits that he made up the name LeBron because his real name, Gary, is kind of boring.

19. He says his dream coach would be The Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials.

20. He admits to almost voting for Ron Paul because he thought he was Chris’ father.

21. He throws a dart at a map to predict Sufjan Stevens’ next CD title.

22. Despite playing basketball for his entire life, he confirms that the roundest thing he’s ever seen is Tyler Stanton’s head.

23. Oh yeah…and he announces what team he’s playing for next year.

Are you gonna watch tonight? Do you care what jersey LeBron wears?

And if you do care, do you have a prediction (real or ridiculous)? If so, let us have it.