The Exodus as told by The Office, Pt II

…continued from Part I.


  • Michael Scott as Moses
  • Dwight Schrute as Aaron
  • Ryan Howard as Joshua
  • Andy Bernard as Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt
  • Erin Kemper as Caleb the Spy
  • Jim, Stanley, Kevin, Angela, Oscar, Creed, and Pam as the Grumbling Israelites.

Previously on The Exodus: Dwight and Michael convinced Andy the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go.

The Exodus, Pt II

In the dark of night Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute lead the Israelites out of the office complex of Andy Bernard, Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt. They set up camp near the sea, but soon realize Andy has changed his mind and is now pursuing them with an army of security guards.

Pam: Uh, Michael, I’m not sure what kind of deal you struck up with Andy, but it looks like he’s coming with a bunch of his buddies to kill us.

Oscar: Yeah, and it looks like they have weapons with them. Michael, we might need to get HR involved here.

Michael: No! We do NOT need HR, God has everything under control. Besides we left Toby in Egypt.

Dwight: And just in case God doesn’t show up, I’ve been collecting these juniperus oxycedrus berries for the past 24 hours. If ingested in large enough quantities, they could potentially kill the Egyptians…or at least give them crippling bouts of diarrhea.

Stanley: We’re all gonna die.

Kevin: Yeah, Michael, why didn’t you just let us stay in Egypt? They worked us hard but at least they had pop-tarts in the vending machines.

Angela: Yeah, AND we had private bathroom stalls there. I just had to pee in a cave so Creed wouldn’t watch me.

Creed: I wasn’t trying to watch sweetheart, I was trying to listen.

Pam: Ewww.

Creed: So I like the sound of urine hitting the ground, is that so wrong?

Jim: On every conceivable level.

God explains his plan to save the Israelites to Michael, who stands at the edge of the sea raising his hands as a strong East wind makes a dry path for them to cross.

Michael: Check this out guys, look what I’m doing to the water! I’m like the conductor of nature’s orchestra! I feel like the Little Mermaid’s dad!

Oscar: Alright guys, I can’t believe I’m saying this but let’s cross before we realize what we’re actually doing.

Stanley: I am NOT walking between those walls of water as long as Michael is involved.

Jim: You’re right Stanley, better to stay here, be captured by Andy, and spend the rest of your life working weekends for little to no pay while Andy serenades you with Egyptian show tunes on his banjo.

Stanley: Never mind, lead the way.

The Israelites safely cross, and when Michael raises his hands on the other side the waters collapse on all the Egyptians, killing them all.

Andy: Wait, I die in the sea too? But I’m such a lovable character.

Bryan: Sorry Andy, you should have read the whole script before you accepted the role of Pharaoh.

Andy: Can’t we work out a deal where I grow gills and become a Merlawyer, roaming the waters as an advocate for undersized marine life?

Bryan: Sorry dude, I’m trying to stick to the Old Testament here.

Andy: But I’m an Ivy-Leaguer!

Bryan: Irrelevant.

The Israelites wander around in the desert for a while longer, grumbling about everything from the office lighting to the company health plan. God provides them chicken nuggets every night and wheat toast every morning, yet they continue to grumble.

One day the softball team from a company called Amalek Inc. challenges them to a game, with the stakes being life or death.

God: Michael, we’re going to war with the Amalekites.

Michael: A real war?

God: No, actually it’s just a softball game. But it will be pretty heated contest so I felt comfortable using battle imagery.

Michael: Alright, I’ll go get my cleats.

God: Michael, you’re not going to play.

Michael: What! Oh wait, I get it, you want me to be the manager. I can be a player/manager like the late Pete Rose!

God: Pete Rose isn’t dead yet. And I’m going to have Ryan coach the team. I have a special role for you.

Ryan: I’m all over it.

Michael: So what’s my role? Umpire? Popcorn vendor? Please say it’s popcorn vendor.

God: You’re going to stand on that hill over there and hold a bat up in the air.

Michael: What? But that’s not even on the field!

God: As long as your arms are in the air, the team will play well. But once you lower your arms they’ll turn into the 2003 Detroit Tigers.

Michael: No offense, GOD, but that is the dumbest plan I’ve ever heard.

God: Wait until you see what I’ve got in mind for Jericho in a few decades.

Michael: Well, even if your plan made any sense, I can’t hold up my arms for 7 innings.

Ryan: Get Dwight and Toby to hold up your arms for you when you get tired. I was gonna hide them in the bullpen anyway.

Michael: Toby is NOT touching me. I’d rather have Oscar do it.

Oscar: What’s that supposed to mean?

Michael: Nevermind. You know what, I’m here for the team so if God wants me to hold a bat in the air, I’ll do it. But if you need a pinch hitter or a relief pitcher to come in and throw some jaw music, I expect to play.

Spurned on by Michael’s raised arms, the Israelites soundly defeat the Amalekites 12-5. Stanley is named the Player of the Game going 3-4 with 2 HRs and 6 RBI. Meredith tries to make out with the entire Amalekite outfield and goes 2-3 with 3 hickeys.

But things are only beginning to get interesting for our wandering cubicle dwellers.

to be continued…here’s Part 3