Yesterday we hit the first 5 Rules of Gift Giving for Guys.
- #1 – Never stick to the spending limit.
- #2 – Never let her out-give you.
- #3 – Never give a gift that is 1-degree of separation away from an insult.
- #4 – Never fall for that “we’re not getting anything for each other this year” crap.
- #5 – Never give your wife a crockpot.
People find it hard to believe, but I swear the crockpot thing seemed like a good idea when I bought it. And yes, that video Tyler and I wrote (featuring Kate Flannery from the Office) that had a crockpot joke…that came directly from my own personal FAIL.
alright, let’s get to the last 5 on the list.
The 10 Rules of Gift Giving For Guys
#6 – Prepare in Advance. They call them “last minute gifts” for a reason, because her excitement over them lasts about a minute or less.
“Oooh, dangling dolphin earrings…they’re so…big…and lifelike…and I hate them.”
#7 – Avoid the “It’s for both of us” gift. Yeah, she’ll probably use the 52” inch TV on a regular basis too, but it wasn’t exactly on the first five pages of her wish list. And the fact that it was #1 on yours? Pure genius coincidence.
#8 – Never guess with clothes sizes. This is a lose-lose situation. I don’t care if you’re buying her sexy underwear or a LeBron James Bulls jersey, you can’t afford to guess wrong with the size. If she wears small sized undies and you get her the mediums, you’re looking down the barrel of “do you really think I’m that big?”. And if you mistakenly get her the extra smalls you’re gonna be dealing with a “These are too small for me, but thanks for reminding me that there’s a boatload of clothes out there that I cannot fit into.”
Forget going for the all-out surprise, just say “Hey love, what size underwear do you get from these 5 stores?” and take notes like a nervous college freshmen. You’ll thank me later.
#9 – Don’t give her a wad of cash. If she asks for spending money, spruce it up with a fancy envelope or an over-sized box to make her think it’s something big. Pulling a wad of crumpled $20s out of your back pocket and saying “Merry Christmas” only works with teenagers.
Other gifts that will only work for teenagers: a year’s supply of Stridex pads (remember those things?), a $200 1983 Subaru wagon with non-functioning doors, the “Idiot’s Guide to Driving Your Parents Up a Wall” 2nd Edition, and a pack of Twilight shaped Silly Bandz.
#10 – DO NOT give her a coupon book. This gift became unacceptable as soon as you were old enough to use a knife at the dinner table. I don’t care if you design yours in Photoshop, print it out on velvet index cards, and have it delivered to her workplace by Brad Pitt riding a pegasus. It’s still a FAIL.
If you insist on giving her one, you need to at least call it what it is, a “These are the things I would do all the time if I was trying as hard as I could in this relationship” book.
So there’s my 10. I know I missed some, and I know I can make this list better.