The 7 Shadiest People at the Beach

There’s no better place in the world to relax than on the beach. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the soothing sounds of the crashing waves, the delightful scent of ocean air mixed with Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil…what more could you ask for?

But just when you’re about to completely let go of all your cares and worries, THAT GUY shows up. Which guy? Well take your pick.

The 7 Shadiest People at the Beach.

1. Swimming in Your Clothes Guy – Anyone who came to the beach without proper swimming attire is either incredibly indecisive, remarkably shortsighted, or certifiably insane. And you – dude frolicking in the water with the Angels and Airwaves t-shirt and oversized jean shorts – are probably insane. Please keep your wet jorts at a safe distance.

2. Dog Not on a Leash Guy – Ooh look at you and your dog. Happy and free walking down the beach like you’re in an 80’s Purina commercial. Listen here buddy: your dog has sharp teeth, a small brain, and instincts like a dog. He was made to bite people. Keep your dog away from my soft, puncture-able flesh and go get a leash.

3. Milky White Guy – Well, clearly I don’t have to ask if this is your first trip to the beach this year. I guess a better question would be “is the first time you’ve ever NOT worn a long-sleeve turtleneck in your life?” Forget sunlight, I don’t think your torso has ever seen the rays from an incandescent light bulb. Not sure why you picked today to come out of your coffin, but please stay away from my family.

4. Metal Detector Guy – I don’t just have one eye on you buddy, I got em both on you and your zig-zagging butt. If you come within 10 feet of my beach blanket with that bastardized weed whacker I’m gonna citizen’s arrest you for attempted robbery. I mean, let’s face it; if you’re desperate enough to spend half the day searching for loose change and costume jewelry buried under the sand, you’d have no problem stealing my wallet from out of my sneaker.

(Although my wallet is shoved all the way into the toe of my sneaker because like Jerry Seinfeld says, no thief is going to think to look there: “they check the heel, they move on”.)

5. Dress Shirt Guy – Just because you’re not swimming in that button-down doesn’t mean you get a free pass for wearing it here. Who do you think you are walking on the beach with a tucked-in collared shirt? You really couldn’t find a clean tee to throw on? Not sure what’s  going on in your overdressed head buddy, but please keep your semi-formal madness away from us normal folks.

6. Shell Collector Guy – Hate to break this to you skipper, but nobody wants those shells you’re picking up. Why do you think they were laying on the beach in the first place? Some poor grandpa gave them to his grandkid last week and the kid forgot they existed 3 minutes later. And  your grandkid’s gonna forget you exist too unless you put the bucket of shells down and go build a sandcastle with him. Go on…I guarantee you the shells will be here tomorrow if you get the urge again.

7. Way Too Tan Guy – I saw you out of the corner of my eye and I thought you were the Great Pumpkin from Charlie Brown. Good Lord, how long have you been out here tanning, since the Britney-Madonna kiss? The only bright side is that we all now know what it will look like when humans figure out how to procreate with slim jims.

So yeah, those are the shady characters I saw on the beach last week.

Any other characters at the beach that I missed? Fill in the gaps in the comments.