Books I Didn't Write #003

Books I Didn’t Write is a recurring gag here at the blog. I take a random picture, come up with a title, and then write up a fake review.

Yes, it is as dumb as it sounds.


by Bryan Allain

Publisher: Your In A Shun Press

Order Status: All versions out of stock, except Egyptian Hieroglyphics Version

For Fans of: Baywatch, David Hasselhoff, Drunk People Eating Hamburgers on the Floor, Toilets, Commodes, Bidets, Red Swimming Trunks, Whistles, Cannonballs, Jellyfish, Plungers, High Diving, and Chlorine Eyes.

Summary: Most lifeguards take a stand against pool peeing because it’s gross, but for Greg Maimer, it’s life or death. As a lifeguard with a rare fatal allergy to urine, Greg oscillates between the desire to help others and the desire to not die from pee contact.

You’ll laugh and cry until you wet yourself as you follow Greg’s last summer as a lifeguard at the Fitch County Pool, including the thrilling ending when 8-year old Billy Watkins starts drowning at his own birthday party. Will Greg save Billy, or save himself?

What People Are Saying:

“Like an expert sandcastle builder, Allain creates a world with intricate characters and compelling plots from grains of nothing. Also like an expert sandcastle builder, Allain probably has no life and several restraining orders in his name.”

“A summer read that’s more fun than the beach, hotter than the afternoon sun, and tighter than a spandex wedgie on an overweight European.”

“Two very tanned thumbs up for this fast-moving lifeguard thriller. No one knows how to incorporate human waste into a narrative quite like Bryan Allain. When it comes to urine tales, he sits alone atop the tallest lifeguard chair on the beach. “

Book Excerpts:

“The dreams came and went like a deadbeat son crashing in the guest room of his parent’s house. In one particularly awful nightmare, Greg was riding an amusement park floom, only to realize at the last second he was about to be soaked by gallons of deadly pee. And worse yet, it was bright yellow and smelled like asparagus.”

“The only reason Greg had offered to lifeguard the Watkins birthday party was Billy’s older sister, Megan. She was two years younger than Greg, but what she lacked in age she made up for in grace. Megan Watkins skipped everywhere she went. Literally. She knew not how to walk, run, or jog, but only how to skip. And yet somehow the word ‘skipping’ seemed to be insufficient to describe the way she glided across a room. Perhaps they should create a new word to describe how Megan skipped. “Meganipping” Greg said out loud, before he could stop himself. “What was that?”, Megan asked from across the pool. The only thing she was more talented at than skipping was eavesdropping.

“Greg hated the fact that he had to pee sitting down; it was so emasculating. But what could he do? One errant splash of urine onto his bare feet and he could lose a toe. Fate had dealt him a bum hand for sure, and boy was he pissed.”

Awards: #6 Book of the Year –

People Who Liked This Book Also Enjoyed:

  • Sand Castles for Fun and Frustration
  • 101 Whistling Techniques for Lifeguards
  • The Idiot’s Guide To CPR
  • Twilight
  • Ninja Quest 3: The Killer in the Red Trunks

Place your order, leave a review, or take a leak in the comments.

You can check out past Books I Didn’t Write here.