Notes From Jack Bauer's Bible

Don’t ask me how, but I’ve obtained a copy of Jack Bauer’s bible.

The entire Pentateuch is nearly unreadable because of a bullet lodged between Genesis 1 and Deuteronomy 7, but I was able to read some of the notes he had scribbled throughout the scriptures.

Here’s a sample of what I found scribbled in the margins of two chapters in Proverbs :

Proverbs 19:24 “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!”

Jack’s Notes – The reason the sluggard doesn’t bring his hand back to his mouth is because I coated the bottom of the dish with homemade krazy glue made from the oil of poison sumac and raccoon saliva. The sluggard now has three options: live with a dish-hand for the rest of his life, rip his own hand off at the wrist, or let me kill him. Regardless of what he chooses, I will kill him.

Proverbs 10:20 “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Jack’s Notes – “A few years ago in Bosnia I killed a terrorist spy with a banjo string and a bottle of Windex. Being that I was low on cash at the time and not having an intimate knowledge of Bosnia’s organ donation program, I tried to sell his heart on the black market hoping it would cover at least 6 months rent. All I ended up getting for it was a new scarf and 3 pounds of baked ham. The heart of the wicked is of little value, indeed.”

There’s more where these came from, so let me know if you’d like me to share more.

In fact, if you give me some scripture references from the Bible, I can check to see if Jack made any notes for the that text.