7 Things that Might be the Antichrist

Every once in a while a charismatic figure rises above the fray, and if that person doesn’t happen to share our beliefs we like to question whether he or she is the antichrist. It’s usually tongue-in-cheek, and it’s always fun.

And in that vein, I propose to you a few things I’ve been casting a wary eye at lately. Could these people/things be the antichrist? Only time will tell…

7 Things that Might be the Antichrist

1. Derek Jeter – Since Jeter will never appear on a steroid list, we need to smear his name somewhere. Think about it, if he held a press conference in Central Park and asked the world to blindly follow him, 90% of the men and women in the Big Apple would pledge their allegiance to him, even if he walked right off the George Washington Bridge. And yes, I’m still slightly bitter about the Red Sox season going down in flames on Sunday.

2. Açaí Berries – First off, the word açaí is pronounced “ah-sah-EE”, not “ah-KIGH”. The ‘c’ is soft, folks. Before you go any further, write 5 people you know an email explaining this to them and ask them to do the same. And at the end of your email, remind these people that contrary to what you’ve heard on Oprah or read about in the sidebar of your Facebook profile, açaí berries do not cure cancer, do not triple your net worth, and do not improve your sex life. They’re just berries, people. (Berries that might one day rule the world!!!)

3. Heidi Montag – If you don’t know who she is, then I implore you to skip this entry entirely. Your life might be better off for it in the long run…still reading? Well, if you follow Heidi’s Twitter (and again, I don’t encourage this so I’m not linking it), you’ll notice many of her Tweets say things like, “I love Jesus!” and “Praise you God for a beautiful day!”. The other half are her promoting her photo shoot for Playboy and her new hit single “Body Language”. I’m always hesitant to judge other people, but good night is she all over the place. Rumor has it she was singing “How Great is Our God” while stripping down naked for the photo shoot.

4. Joe Biden – because listing Obama here would have been way too predictable.

5. The Internet – What would happen if the internet died as soon as you finished reading this post (and commenting with your own antichrist speculation)? The world would basically stop. Banks, businesses, and commerce would screech to a halt. Personal communication would implode. Al Gore’s body would freeze in whatever position he was in (probably stroking his beard with one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other). We’d have a modern-day Tower of Babel situation on our hands. The day you hear someone say, “The Internet is faster, smarter, and more connected than God,” is the day you should stuff all your money in a mattress and stock up on canned goods.

6. Jon Gosselin – I’ll be honest here. My sole motive in putting him on this list is the hope that he Googles himself in the near future and sees that he is on a list of potential antichrists. For some reason this makes me chuckle. I apologize.

7. Caillou – You might not realize this if you don’t have kids, but not all children’s television shows are created equal. And of all the bad ones, Caillou has to be the worst. He’s a whiny little punk who makes you thankful you’re kids behave better than he does. The show is so bad, Ive started to wonder if it’s nothing more than a front for an illegal subliminal message campaign against our kids. If a grown-up Caillou emerges in 20 years and tries to assemble our offspring to help him with world domination, you heard it here first.

Well, that’s my list…what about yours?

The antichrist could be here any day now, so get on the record with your guesses.