you might have seen some of these thoughts on my Twitter feed. I’ve taken a few of my tweets and expanded on them. The rest is just the random nonsense that floats around in my skull…
+ Am I the only one who gets angry when I hear the “What do you get for the person who has everything?” question? You want to know what to get for the person who has everything? Here’s a few ideas:
- A card that says “Congratulations for having everything. You win.”
- A burglary. Help them share the wealth.
- An audit. Make sure they paid taxes on all that stuff.
- A copy of my book. Since it doesn’t exist yet, it’s something they don’t have.
- A guilt trip.
+ Is it wrong of me for being disappointed that there’s never been a Hurricane Bryan? And if there was a Hurricane Bryan, would I want it to peter out in the Atlantic and do no damage…or would I want it to be the storm that ended the world? Tough call. I think I’d want it to be a mega-storm that destroyed all of the bad things in the world but didn’t kill anyone or ruin anything good. That’s pretty reasonable.
+ We always assume that life on other planets is more advanced than ours, but what if we someday find aliens and they’re all idiots? Or they’re stuck a few thousand years behind us in terms of cultural advances. We show them our iPhones and 3D Ultrasounds and they share with us how to make fire and create wheels.
+ Being stranded on a deserted island might be fun for a few days, but I’d much rather be stranded on a desserted island. A place where the trees are made of strawberry shortcake, the sand is brown sugar, and it rains Vitamin Water. Sign me up.
+ I’d like to meet the dude who said “by folding over this extra shirt material up by the neck, I will look more formal than the rest of you”. If I found him, I would punch him right in his ridiculous collar. Seriously. If we got rid of the collars on all of the shirts in the world, we’d have enough extra material to make blankets for the homeless. I think I’ll start a new campaign: “Dress Down for the Downtrodden”. Who’s with me?
+ Failed Hallmark Cards:
- “You and Me for all eternity babe. (Because going through everything it would take for us to split up sounds like a lot of freaking work.)”
- “You’re beautiful on the outside, and you would be on the inside too if not for the 30 feet of coiled intestines filled with sludgy human waste.”
- “I want to be by your side forever. Or until you lose control of your bowels. Whatever comes first.”
- “I don’t remember our first kiss, but I remember our last one. And it was pretty decent.”
- “When I think about life without you, I think about all the fun things I’d do that you’d miss out on. It makes me sad.”
- “They say everyone has a soul mate. I know you’re mine because the little voice in my head tells me you are every time I start thinking about what it would be like to put everyone I know on a deserted island and then fill the island with angry bears. That’s when Raul (my little voice) tells me you’re my soul mate and I remember how much I love you.”
- “What else can I say to my best friend, lover, and partner for life? Nothing…nothing at all. Actually, the fact that I still haven’t fixed that creaky closet door despite your constant nagging about it says more than I ever could.”
- “You’re all that I want. Well, you and a lot of money and an unending supply of Doritos. You 3 are all I want.”
+ Why is it that most cartoon characters and stuffed toys are animals? News Flash, folks: Most animals are gross. They’re smelly, dirty, and will probably claw your skin off if given the chance. “Awww, look at the little toy polar bear. So cute and fluffy.” Yeah, and if it was real it would rip your arm off with one swipe and feed your mangled carcass to the rest of it’s pack. Let’s stop glamorizing these beastly creatures and move on with our lives.
+ Speaking of animals, whose idea was it to beat a pretend animal until candy fell out? Creator of the pinata: thank you for sharing your brilliance with the rest of us.
+ All my life I’ve been waiting for the fashion industry to announce that wrinkles are in. When they finally do, I’m going to be one of the trendiest people on the planet. I might even get my own spread in GQ.
+ The Wicked Witch of the West should have been wearing a slicker, galoshes, and water-repellent undergarments. Not only that, but can someone explain to me why she had a bucket of water sitting on a shelf in her castle? That’s like keeping a bowl of anthrax on the coffee table in your living room. Either she was a Class A imbecile or the most arrogant person who ever lived. Either way, the green wench had it coming.