Revoke My Man Card

Last week I guest-posted at Katdish’s blog about losing my man card.

Here’s the post in it’s entirety, with some new material thrown in just for kicks.

Here’s 7 10 (of the many) reasons why, if Man Cards were real, I might not be carrying one…

1. I Have No HandyMan Skills

I’ve got a father-in-law who built houses for a living, a brother-in-law who helped built his own house, and a dad who can do just about anything around the house that needs to be done. How did I end up like this? I don’t know. But thankfully my father-in-law is only 10 minutes away in case a picture needs to be hung or a door needs to be fixed. (I wish i was kidding)

You know how much help I was to my father-in-law when he was building my deck? Negative help, that’s how much. He literally had to undo a bunch of the stuff I did on the first day. After that, I just watched and fetched him drinks. Completely embarrassing.

2. I Hate Hide & Seek (aka, Manhunt)

Want to know why I hate Hide and Seek? Because I hate hiding and I hate seeking. Pretty simple.

Think about it, when does hiding and seeking happen in real life? When cops are chasing bad guys. When bad guys are chasing other bad guys. When a child is about to be disciplined and disappears. You get the idea. The whole concept of hiding is that you don’t want to be found, but eventually you will be found when you play this game. Sounds terrible to me.

And for the record, we played manhunt on the streets of my neighborhood almost every night in the summer growing up. I hated it.

3. I Know Nothing About Cars

I’ve got no opinion on Ford vs. Chevy. I don’t know or care how many cylinders are in my Odyssey. I don’t know what the brown fluid on my garage floor under my car is.

Want more?

I don’t have a dream car. I think loud engines are annoying. I once spent hours in the library reading about what carburetors and overhead cams were just to impress a girl I liked. Didn’t work.

4. I Prefer Light Beer

Do i enjoy beer? Yes.

Do I like to drink obscure beers and comment on how “hoppy” they are? No.

Do I like to drink heavy beers and then say, “Now THAT’S a beer!”? No.

I like light beers. Miller Lite. Coors Light. Corona w/ a lime.

What can I say? They taste better to me. And they don’t make me feel like I just ate a 26-ounce filet.

5. I Hate Paint Ball

You know how I hate Hide and Seek? Well here’s a math equation to define what paint ball is. Paint Ball = (Hide & Seek) + (Pain). Ooh! Where do I sign up!

I played paint ball once. It was my worst nightmare. My goggles were fogging up so I couldn’t see anything. I was hiding. There were lots of people seeking me. Those same people were trying to inflict pain on me. I just tried to get shot in a relatively painless area and get off the playing field. Instead I was shot in the neck from 10 feet out.

Never again.

6. I Have a System for my Fingernails

It doesn’t involve painting or buffing, but yeah, I refuse to just bite my fingernails like a nervous neanderthal.

First I cut them with fingernail clippers.

Then I file them. You have to file them, otherwise they’re all sharp and they catch on your bed sheets and in your pants pockets.

After they get filed, I’ll smooth them out with the space between my bottom two front teeth. Takes off the last few rough edges and you’re good to go.

The result is trimmed, smooth fingernails. Takes 5 minutes a week. Sue me.

7. I Like To Talk Things Out

If my lovely wife Erica and I ever have a disagreement (yes it happens! shocker!), I’m usually the one who makes the stronger push for communication. Don’t misunderstand here, she is a great communicator. I’m just over the top nuts about it. I love talking about how I feel. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer and I like putting words to good use? I don’t know.

Please pray for her, that I’d learn to just shut up and watch TV once in a while.

8. I Have Girl Parts

Just Kidding. Wanted to make sure you weren’t skimming.

9. I Watch The Bachelorette

I don’t care what you say, it’s good TV. (The cruelest show on television? Absolutely – I even wrote an entire blog piece on it last summer. But entertaining as all get out.)

10. I’ve Never Been in a Fight

Unlike my buddy Nate, who once beat up 3 guys at one time in front of a club in Providence, RI, I’ve never taken a punch to the face. Never thrown one, either. Closest I’ve come is skirmishes with my younger brother Josh growing up, but those don’t really count. Although, when Josh and I did fight, he’d usually try to punch and I’d try to rake the eyes. Not very manly.

What about y’all?

Guys, any reasons your Man Card might be in jeopardy?

Or how about the ladies? Anything you do that threatens the security of your Woman Card?