Twitter Highlights

My friend Tyler and I are racing to see who can get to 1000 Twitter followers first.

As of yesterday he was beating me 490-425. This is unacceptable people! This is a dude who refers to his receding hairline spots as his “power alleys”.

(Tripp is racing with us too, but dude already has 800+ followers on Twitter, so he can go take a dump as fas as I’m concerned. Oh and then there’s Jon and his 4000+ followers: dead to me.)

In case you haven’t caught on yet, Twitter’s not just about “what I had for lunch”. It’s also a great vehicle for sharing funny thoughts about the absurdities of everyday life in 140-character bursts.

In order to show you that Twitter can be used for good, Jon, Tyler, Tripp and I are posting 10 of our favorite Tweets from the past few weeks on our blogs today.

You can check their Twitter Highlights out here: TylerTrippJon

Here’s mine:

+ gonna start referring to constipation as “stationary bowels” & I’m gonna eat a lot of cheese so I can overuse the new term.

+ If I had to make a list of things I wouldn’t want to eat, mulch would definitely crack the top 500.

+ Buying lunch from the cafeteria at work: $6.41. Stealing it: Priceless.

+ Every time you eat a sandwich at the beach you’re swallowing a few of Abraham’s descendants. Gross, crunchy descendants.

+ Life Rule #406: Never, under any circumstances, watch Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams.

+ Want 250 brand new twitter followers every day??? Take Lunesta & dream about it, because it’s the only way it’s happening.

+ if everyone donated their lint trap excrement, we could make blankets for the cold homeless of the world. laundromats unite!

+ Kylie, my 7.5 year old, used air quotes yesterday. correctly. hilarious and frightening at the same time.

+ someone just texted me about a dodgeball tournament. honestly, i’d rather eat a dodgeball than play dodgeball. no thanks.

+ at the end of a bowl of cheerios i always congratulate the last cheerio. u made it to the end buddy! then i eat him slowly.

C’mon…you know you want to…

Follow me on Twitter if you dare. And definitely follow Jon, Tripp, and Tyler.