Sideshow Justin

In the past few weeks I have come to a sad conclusion. I don’t like fireworks. I’m years away from being 30 and already they bother me. I thought I’d love them forever. The lights, the heights, the noises, the danger. But no, at this point i have no use for them. All they manage to do is keep people from sleeping who should be sleeping, like say for instance, my 1-year old daughter. this is not cool. fireworks must be outlawed in this country. join my campaign by visiting and signing the online petition.

Is it ok to bring literature into the bathroom at work with you? If so, what is the proper protocol for doing so? Have you ever seen these guys that walk into the stall with the big newspaper under their arm? So unashamed of the fact that they are about to enjoy a good read while cleansing their colon. One day i hope to have such confidence. For now, i print out a bill simmons article, stick it in a manilla folder, and slip into the stall hoping noone notices. As if I’m attending an important meeting bein held in the men’s lav. And of course, i ALWAYS leave the article in the stall. Not only does it take away the embarrassing chance of you being seen leaving the stall with reading material, but its such a nice surprise for the next guy. Caring for my fellow man, it’s what I’m all about.

Am i the only one disturbed by the fact that American Idol Finalist Justin Guarini looks like a poor man’s Sideshow Bob?

Justin Guarini
Sideshow Bob

If i donated a dollar to the Worldwide Wildlife Fund every time an X10 camera advertisement popped up on my computer, bald eagles would be as common as pigeons.

Michael Jackson is claiming that the music industry is racist? That’s like Bill Gates saying that the software industry is prejudiced against four-eyed, skinny, nerds. The guy has enough money to bleach his skin 73 times since the 80s and has an amusement park in his backyard for the love of mitch, and he is claiming he’s been treated unfairly. i will now eat 4 serrated knives.

Third Eye Blind’s self-titled album release from 1997 is one of the best Rock albums from the last 10 years.

Here’s a tip for all those planning on tying the knot in the future. When it’s time to dismiss the guests from the sanctuary, just let everyone go at once. The people in the back rows do not want to watch you give out akward hugs and handshakes for 45 minutes to people that you’ve never had more than 1 meaningful conversation with before in your life. And please, don’t even think about the receiving line. What makes you think that the people that come to your wedding want to exchange a handshake and a greeting with your spouse’s rommate from college? I mean really, must we force this upon innocent people just there for a free meal? i think not.

Also, to those attending a wedding where this might happen, my advice is to bring a bag of jellybeans. Or if you’re with a friend, place bets on whether or not certain people will go for the hug or the handshake. Whatever you can do to salvage some worthwhile time out of the ordeal, do it.

when someone in your office is making microwave popcorn, but you don’t know that it’s microwave popcorn, it can be one of the most unpleasant olfactory experiences i can think of. It smells like someone wore the same sock for 10 weeks, soaked the sock in mayonnaise and raccoon urine, and then threw it in the microwave for 3 and a half minutes. If you’ve never experienced this before, take my word for it.

and finally, the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public is the notion that janet jackson and justin timberlake are in a meaningful dating relationship. This “couple” has about as much of a chance of lasting 6 months as a dating relationship between a KitKat bar and a heat lamp. The whole thing is sheer lunacy.

and on that note, i bid adieu…