I hate it when waiters, i mean servers, use the phrase “let me get that out of your way”. Look, maybe my plate’s not in my way, ok. in fact, if it was in my way, i would have moved it out of my way. you know why? because i have hands, and that’s what hands do, they move stuff out of my way. So next time stick with “are you done with this?” or “are we all finished here?”, but please don’t insult me or my hands with your cute little phrases.
Who does Crayola think they are calling the purple crayon ‘violet’? I never understood this as a kid. Blue, red, yellow, green, orange…no problem there. But what’s the deal with the violet? Some management dufus in a corner office one day said, “let’s rename a crayon color.” He picked up the orange crayon and said, “let’s call this color ‘Pumpkin’!”. One of his trusty aides then informed him that a pumpkin is an orange vegetable, not a color. So then the next day he said, “Well, then let’s call this green crayon ‘Ivy’!”. That same trusty aide reminded him that ivy was a green plant, not a color. So then the next day he picked up the purple crayon and said, “Let’s call this purple crayon ‘violet’!”. Unfortunately, his trusty aide was out sick that day with food poisoning from eating a bad hamburger at Hardee’s and was not there to inform his boss that a violet is a flower, not a crayon color. To this day, the violet crayon still lives on, and we have Hardee’s to blame for it.
Speaking of names, who named the ‘grapefruit’? Yes, its a fruit, but there’s already a fruit named a grape. And grapes and grapefruits have nothing to do with each other. It would be like me creating a new green, leafy vegetable and calling it a ‘cornvegetable’. or if i created a new cheesy, round cracker with sesame seeds on it and called it a ‘triscuitcracker’. am i the only one who sees the foolishness of this?
Is there an amish buggy equivalent of running out of gas? Do the horses ever just stop trotting because they’ve got nothing left? “Amos, did you forget to feed the horses this morning?”. oops. I suppose if this was a recurring problem, then they would also carry along some extra hay, which would of course be the amish equivalent of a gas can.
If you’re gonna wear sandals, that’s fine. Go for it. Let you’re feet breathe. But don’t wear socks with sandals. I don’t want to look at your socks. At least with feet you can put a little polish on there, maybe spruce things up with a toe ring. But i have no desire to see your socks. If it’s sandal weather, leave the socks at home. And if it’s too cold, then wear shoes.
The firefly. Talk about a tragic existence. Do you realize that these things live underground as larva for 2 years before making an appearance in our atmostphere each spring? Once they start flying around up here, they got 3 weeks to live, tops. Imagine that for a second. You live in dirt for 2 years, you finally escape into the air where you can show off your luminescent hiney, and 15 minutes later some 10-year old smears you onto the sidewalk because he thinks the glowing streak that your dead carcass leaves is ‘cool’…it’s good to be human.
Nothing says ‘Sunday’ more than reading that Q&A on the inside front cover of the Parade Magazine insert in your sunday paper. Man i love that.
If I ever owe you a lot of money, and you’re trying to track me down, let me give you a hint. Here’s where you won’t find me. At an airshow. These things are the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. it’s more like a deathshow. Every year, it never fails, you always hear about planes crashing and spectators killed at airshows. I’m thinking that this would be a good event to have at next years meeting of the Suicidal People Association. In fact, let me go so far as to say, if you go to an airshow, then technically, you are ‘contemplating suicide’. “Has the patient showns suicidal tendencies at all?”…”Well, he did go to an airshow last year.”…”then the answer is ‘yes’, get the straightjacket.”
Think about this for a second. Why is the dime smaller than the penny and the nickel? It’s the most asinine thing i think i’ve ever seen.
Given the choice in a public restroom of air dryer or brown paper towels, I go brown paper towels 9 times out of 10.
I don’t think a stupider opening line for a song has ever vibrated my anvil than Sheryl Crow’s “Soak up the sun”: “My friend the communist/Holds meetings in his RV”. Just plain foolish, especially considering the whole communist/RV theme is abadoned in the rest of the song.
Just when i thought that Lyle Lovett snagging Julia Roberts was the biggest injustice in the history of the world, Kate Hudson apparently smoked a pound of vulcanized rubber and then married Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes.
Gotta hate being at work the week after a nice vacation to the beach, The worst is when you open your wallet and sand falls out of it. Not only are you ripped that there’s sand in your wallet, but the reminder of where you were exactly a week ago feels about as good as a vaccination.
Finally, I am asking everyone between the ages of 15-35 to unite and repeat this vow after me: “I promise / that when I am old enough to be considered elderly / and I am making a purchase at a store / that I will not hold up the folks in line behind me / messing with change. / If the total comes to $10.37 / I will give a Ten and 2 quarters and be done with it. / If the total comes to $4.61 / I will give a Five and use the change at a later date. / And that I will stop driving / when i can’t see past my extended arm.” Thank You.