Naked Belt Loops

a few scattered thoughts i’ve had over the past few weeks…

~if you know someone who likes to brush their teeth in the bathroom at work, do me a favor and smack them in the back of their head real, real hard. it’s gross, it’s foolish and it needs to be stopped.

~i really think that you can’t go wrong naming your boy any of the five books of the Pentatuech. Granted, Numbers might be a tough sell, but who’s gonna mess with a kid named Leviticus?

~people who tuck in their shirts and refuse to wear a belt should be arrested for “illegal tucking”. if you’re gonna tuck, wear a belt. it’s not that hard. Noone wants to look at naked beltloops.

~Speaking of arresting, is there really such a thing as “citizen’s arrest”? I would love to flash my highbeams incessantly at a speeder someday and make him pull over only to go over to his window and tell him, “you’re under citizen’s arrest for speeding, get out of the car.” the look in return would no doubt be priceless.

~if you’re a nerd like me, then you gotta check out, it’s such a cool site. it actually tracks paper currency around the country. you get a bill, you register the serial number on the site, you deface the bill with the website address and a note explaining the concept, and then a few weeks later, some other nerd registers the same bill, and you found out that you’re buck is now in Springfield, Ohio. The other day i got a bill that someone else had registered, so i logged in and registered it again. turns out the bill had been in Kentucky a few weeks ago. great fun.

~the FCC should invent the technology that can intercept a person’s cellphone number who is at a ballgame waving into the camera while on their cell. These people are such morons. Sure, you’re getting a slice of your 15 mintues on the small screen, but you look like a baffoon. Do people tape this and then show it to their friends, “look! here’s a clip of me being a moron in front of 750,000 tv viewers! isnt that great!” anyway, the FCC should lock in on these cellphones, and then show the phone number on the screen for all of the bitter people in the world to harass them until they have to disconnect the number. that would be justice.

~have you seen the new 10-10-220 commercials with Mike Piazza and Alf? Where did Alf come from? He spends 6 years being non-existent and suddenly he’s forming one of the most potent phone commercial batteries since Bradshaw-Flutie. It’s a comeback of Travolta/Pulp Fiction proportions. The thing that gets me about these commercials though is how comfortable it feels to look at Alf and Piazza working together. Their banter is so familiar and easy, it’s almost creepy. I think if a sitcom was created that revolved around Piazza and Alf as two single guys in NYC trying to meet chicks and eat cats, I would definitely watch. It’s like they belong together. What this says about Piazza, I’m not really sure, but I call em like I see em.

~Speaking of commercials, can someone send a memo to every ad agency out there that we’re sick of monkeys in commercials. I mean, really, it doesnt cut it anymore for 2 reasons. 1) how many times has it been done? a monkey smoking a cigar, a monkey in a business suit, a monkey driving a car. we get the bloody point! monkeys can act alot like humans. heehee. let’s move on. and 2) with the technology these days, you can digitally create any animal to look and act like a human. Show me a jackal using a remote control or a peregrine falcon gargling listerine and maybe i’m impressed. but a monkey in a tutu no longer cuts it.

~not to step on andrew dice clay’s shoes or anything, but the other day i was thinking about that nursery rhyme, “there was an old lady who lived in a shoe”. i mean, stop right there and think about it for a second. how disgusting is that? pick up an old shoe and take a whiff. even the nicest pair of feet leave some residual odor behind. now imagin living in the toe of that shoe. you wake up, you’re in a shoe, you make waffles, they taste like feet, you scrub your feet for 20 minutes, it still smells like feet in your house. Just not a good situation.

~and now for today’s farce, the FOX network. That’s right, the FOX network is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. can they just come up with 1 original idea? that’s all i ask. just one. No word of a lie, If i see one more show out of them like “Bachelorettes in Alaska” i will drink transmission fluid.

~if money is paper, and paper is made out of wood, and tree limbs are made out of wood, then technically money does grow on trees.

~and finally, Britney Spears just signed an agreement to star in a movie about NASCAR…you can reach me at my new address in Ontario, Canada at…