once in a while i think of something mean (yet mostly harmless) to do to someone else that makes me laugh. i laugh because usually it’s funny, and i laugh because i know i would never ever carry it out.

After spending my lunch hour at the mall doing some christmas shopping, (yes, now that Christmas is officially less than 10 full days away, i can begin shopping…its my single digit rule..i never christmas shop until there’s less than 240 hours until december 25th…sue me for being dumb) i thought i’d share some christmas spirit with everyone and offer up this list of grinch-like things to do to other people that aren’t necessarily that nice.

3 Harmless, yet evil, things to do to people if you are meaner than I am

1. “Barber Shop” - I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about this one before, but I’ve always thought it would be fun to hang out outside a hair salon and make negative comments about people’s hair as they are leaving. Think about it, when are you more vulnerable than when you’ve just got your haircut? Noone has seen it yet, and while you think you like it, you’re really not sure if they did a good job or not.

To pull this one off, just stand outside the hair salon and make comments to people as they walk out. It’s better if you come up with your own, but here’s a few to start you off:

• “Ooooh, did they make you pay for that?”
• “Did they not have time to finish?”
• “Ouch…i guess you got the new girl, huh?”
• “Wow…just…wow”
• “It should grow out in a few weeks, right?”
• “Let me guess, next stop: Lids”
• “Excuse me, ma’am, there’s a stray cat on your head”
• “People have lost lives over haircuts that were better than that.”
• “Please tell me you lost a bet or something?”
• “Hey, Donald Trump called. He said ‘you win’.”

2. “Parking Spot” - You know how the mall gets really crowded around the holidays and oftentimes you spend more than 10 minutes trying to find a spot in the same zip code as the mall entrance? Well, this plays off of that frustrating experience. As we all know, the best way to find a spot in these circumstances is to be a “follower”. You idle in your car by the mall entrance and follow someone out to their car. Then you wait with your turn signal on until they pull out and open up the spot for you. Do they get annoyed because you’re following them and it puts pressure on them to rush? Of course. But deep down they understand that you just want to park your stinking car and get inside.

Here’s how you pull of “Parking Spot”. Walk out of the mall with a couple of bags in your hand. Make eye contact with a “follower” looking to take your parking spot. Give them some affirmation in the form of a nod or a finger point to let them know that you’re ok with them following you. Lead them out deep into the parking lot, walking a bit slower than you normally would, and then stop. With a puzzled look on your face worthy of an Oscar nomination, start to twirl around as if you can’t find your car. Walk aimlessly from row to row, and make it appear that you are getting frustrated. (If you need inspiration, take a look at the driver following you, who will probably be getting ticked off). Let this play out for a minute or so, and then stop all of a sudden. Look into one of your bags, rifle around in it frantically as if you left something in the mall, and then proceed to run back into the mall as if you left your wallet in a store, laughing to yourself the entire time.

This can be repeated as many times as you like, just make sure that the driver doesnt catch you pulling it on someone else or you might find yourself in a holiday fistfight.

3. “Santa Claus” - This is a risky one that will never end well. Stand next to the “Pictures with Santa” area and pull out your cellphone. Pretend you are having a conversation with your wife or significant other. Make sure there are plenty of children within earshot. Speak loudly and repeat after me: “Yeah, bad news. (pause) The kids found the Christmas gifts this morning. (pause). I know, they were pretty upset. (pause) What else could i tell them? I wasnt going to keep lying. (pause) No, I just said that Santa wasn’t real, that there used to be a guy named Nick who gave out presents hundreds of years ago, and that kids all over the world are lied to year after year by their gift-giving parents.(pause then raise your voice) I HAD TO TELL THEM. SANTA’S NOT REAL. HE’S NOT REAL! (pause) look, i gotta run.” Then walk away as you leave little kids crying in your wake, just be aware that there’s probably an angry parent ready to rip you a new one, so walk fast.

(note: i don’t condone cruelty to children of course, so this is posted in jest. But if you really want to open up this can of worms, i’ll go toe to toe with you on how ridiculous it is that we lie to our kids about santa. it probably has to do with the fact that i never believed in santa growing up, but i just think the whole thing is dumb. maybe the cruel ones here are the ones who lie to their kids for 8 years, forcing their whole world to come crashing down around them when the older kids at school start talking about the “dumb kids who still believe in santa”.)

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we’re mailing out our christmas cards next week, by the way. folks will actually get them before the new year this year. ho ho ho.

hearing people complain about John Cougar Mellencrap’s “Our Country” commercials has become almost as annoying as hearing the actual commercials themselves.

If I was in a Fantasy Hollywood league for box office moneymakers, i would take Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell with my first two picks. I would steal Johnny Knoxville in the 11th round. I’d draft my uncle Tom before I drafted Kevin Costner.

No, I’m not gellin’. In fact, noone I know is gellin’.

i have a hunch that the original lyrics to James’ Taylor’s “shower the people you love with love song” was “shower the people you love with money”. But then he liked the way that “love with love” rolled off the tongue, so he changed it up. if you want my honest opinion, i think the money idea isn’t that bad.

what would happen if all of the world’s pushpins just fell out of their walls all at once? probably total anarchy.

it’s a good thing birds are stupid. i mean, they’re faster than us, they have pointy beaks that could rip us to shreds, and they can move in 3 dimensions when gravity has confined us to 2. I mean, if they ever got together and had some sort of brainstorming session with the top bird minds, they would probably get past this whole “what can we poop on next” thing and move to “let’s desroy the humans”. like i said, i’m glad they’re stupid.

i think yellow is a pretty underrated color. it just doesnt get the love that your blues and reds get. I’d like to say that blue is overrated, but let’s face it, it’s a pretty amazing color.

What’s that thing over your left shoulder?

Made you look.

Either Cream Cheese should be called Creamed Cheese or Creamed Corn should be call Cream Corn. We can’t have both. It’s nonsensical.

If i was a terribly mean person i would go up to a beggar with a $5 bill in each hand and offer him either one of them. Then when he went to grab for one of them i would say, “uh uh uh…beggars can’t be choosers” and i would give him the other $5 bill. In the end, he still gets $5. But since I’m not terribly mean, i probably would never do that.

If anyone can ever isolate the portion of the genetic code that makes your fingernails grow, i would love to know about it and have mine removed. Keeping them trimmed is almost as annoying as having long fingernails.

i love the word “porridge”. i’m thinking about adding it to my diet so that i can start saying it more often.

That’s all i got for today, have yourself a safe one…

ok, so i’m watching football this afternoon and i see a commercial for Saw III. How fast are they chugging out these movies? Didn’t the original Saw movie come out last year? And is there really that much of a demand for this stuff? I don’t get it…and speaking of things i don’t get, here’s some other random things I’ve been thinking about lately…

I’m not one of those people who passionately prefer Coke over Pepsi, or vice versa, and as a result I’m getting bored with the following conversation:

“Can I get a Sprite please?”

“Sierra Mist OK?”

“Yeah”

Maybe I should do a better job of figuring out which line of beverages the place sells before I order, but I think it should be universal that when I ask for a Coke, I just want a cola and when I ask for a Sprite, I want a white, carbonated, citrus flavored, caffeine-free beverage. I mean, let’s face it, Sprite, 7-Up, and Sierra Mist are all the same product in different packages anyway. You know it’s true.

Here in Lancaster County they have a county-wide trick-or-treat night. This year it happens to fall on New Year’s eve, but in years past it has been on a weekend night a few days before halloween. The whole concept is foreign to me because in Massachusetts you went trick-or-treating on Halloween night, no matter when it was.

I think it would be fun sometime to just walk around a restaurant and go up to other tables and ask “How’s everything today?” like those restaurant managers do from time to time. And then if people actually had a complaint I would say “Oh, I don’t actually work here, I was just wondering how you were doing.” Am I the only one who gets that urge?

Flying on a plane has forever changed for me after seeing the pilot episode of LOST. For 2 reasons actually. #1, Now when i fly, in the back of my head I’m hoping the plane doesn’t rip apart in two halves…can’t say I ever entertained that notion before, and #2, I actually think there’s a chance that I could survive if that did happen.

Gummi bears are the seasoned veterans of the candy world. They always know how to deliver, they never try to do too much, and they’ve been around for longer than you can remember.

The fact that “_____ for Dummies” and “The Idiot’s Guide to _____” are two of the best-selling book franchises in the nation tells some people that as a country we love to learn. It tells me that as a country we have pretty low self-seteem.
Headed to Boston tomorrow…updates to come.

• four games left in our softball season. we’ve got about a 2% chance of making the playoffs. we’re finally playing better…if only the season was 30 games instead of 18.
• i got a new wallet yesterday. a front pocket wallet. it’s a new day for me and frankly, i couldnt be happier.
• why is it that on the day you finally get a phone call you’ve been waiting for, your battery is almost dead. argh.
• kylie turns 5 this weekend. wow. i will now pretend like i am not freaked out by this.
• floyd landis is innocent. i will believe that until the day i die. or until his second test comes back positive.
• derek webb is selling some gear on ebay if you’re interested. i think there’s a strat and a keyboard up there.
• i’m golfing on monday and going to the beach on tuesday. if you think i’m excited, you’re not an idiot.
• heaven on earth is the perfect ear of corn smothered in butter and salt on a summer evening.
• hell on earth is being cut up with a dull screwdriver and boiled alive in hamster urine.
• if i was a professional walker for a living i think i would be skinnier
• The evil doctor Will is exceeding every expectation on Big Brother 7 this season. just a joy to watch.
• do you think the guy who invented the abacus ever saw the calculator coming?
• speaking of inventions, the guy who created the paperclip was a genius. he basically took a useless piece of wire, bent it 3 times, and changed the world.
• now that we have online dating and online banking, i think it’s only a matter of time before we have online eating. not sure how this will work, but i’m certainly not going to bet against it.
• do birds know that we can’t fly, or do they just think we’re scared to try?
• i think they should offer sporting events on TV that feature only the ambient sounds from the venue. no announcers. a few cameras micing crowd noise and on-field action. wouldn’t you check it out if you had the option?
• when it’s all said and done i think will ferrell falls somewhere in between chevy chase and bill murray in the court of public opinion. for me right now, there’s none better.
• the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public: the 5-day work week. i think we should all work 9 hour days 4 days a week. it will be a 36-hour work week instead of 40, and we’ll get more work done because we’ll have 3-day weekends year round. frankly, it’s brilliant. perhaps i should start an online petition. or maybe i’m just a doofus…