Last year I shared the Story of Noah’s Ark, starring the Office to critical acclaim and ‘attaboys’ too numerous to count (around 39).
With The Office probably only a few years from wrapping things up, it feels like it’s time for another installment.
So without further ado, I give you The Exodus of the Israelites as told by The Office.
STARRING
- Michael Scott as Moses
- Dwight Schrute as Aaron
- Ryan Howard as Joshua
- Andy Bernard as Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt
- Erin Kemper as Caleb the Spy
- Jim, Stanley, Kevin, Angela, Oscar, Creed, and Pam as the Grumbling Israelites.
—
The Exodus, Part 1
Michael Scott: This is strange…the red “printer error” light is on, yet the printer continues to print out these legal-sized posters that say “burning bush”.
God: Michael, take off your Payless dress shoes, you’re standing on Holy Ground.
Michael: These are NOT from Payless, I got them from Aldo at the Mall at Steamtown. I still have the box!
God: Michael, you found that box in the trash. Plus I was there at Payless when you harassed that 16-year old cashier into accepting your expired Foot Locker coupon because “everyone knows all shoe stores accept their competitor’s coupons”. But never mind that, I need you to save my people from Andy Bernard and the Egyptians so I can bring them to a new office building that flows with milk and honey.
Michael: Mmm…milk and honey. Reminds me of a dream I had last month that I lived in a castle surrounded by a milk moat filled with Lucky Charms. It was awesome until I developed lactose allergy and drowned. Come to think of it, it was actually a nightmare.
God: Fantastic. So you’ll rescue my people for me?
Michael: Not a chance. Andy Bernard runs a tight ship over there in Egypt and I don’t feel comfortable stepping on his toes. It’s the unwritten code between managers.
God: Listen, you’ll be there on my authority. Throw that pen on the ground and watch it turn into an apple. You see that! Now pick it up by the stem and BOOM, it’s a pen again. That’s the kind of power you’ll have!
Michael: Nah, still not feeling this one, Big Guy.
God: Seriously, Michael??? Fine, I’ll send your bro Dwight with you.
Dwight and Michael enter the corner office of Andy Bernard, Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt.
Dwight: By orders of the Assistant Regional Man of God…
Michael: Assistant TO the Regional Man of God.
Dwight: Fine, by orders of the Assistant to the Regional Man of God and the God of Israel, you must release the Israelites from your payroll immediately.
Andy: Um, by orders of the pyramids of Egypt, the nose of the Sphinx, and Cornell University I will do no such thing.
Dwight: Will too.
Andy: Will not.
Dwight: Will too.
Andy: Will not. In fact, I’m gonna force all the Israelites to work nights and weekends at regular pay just because you’re ticking me off right now. How about THEM apples?
Dwight: How about THIS apple!
Dwight throws his pen to the ground and it turns into an apple
Andy: Mildly impressive, but it’s a Red Delicious and I only eat Macintosh and Granny Smith.
Dwight: Green apples are for suckers.
Andy: Your face is for suckers.
Dwight: Alright then, you asked for it. Enjoy the 10 Plagues of the Office.
over the next 10 business days the following happens…
- All the coffee turns to decaf
- The fire alarm goes off every 10 minutes
- Swarms of bees build hives in the break room refrigerators
- All the printers jam at the same time
- Everyone gets pink eye
- The air conditioning units stop working
- Business casual Fridays replaced with Black Tie Fridays
- Everyone’s salary posted in the break room.
- Outhouses in parking lot replaces all bathrooms
- The Internet goes down.
several hours go by following the removal of internet access in the office…
Andy: I can’t take it anymore! There’s so much happening on Twitter and Facebook and I’m missing it all! Your people are free to go, just give me back my bandwidth.
Dwight: So we have a deal?
Andy: Yes, let me have my LOLCats.
Dwight: I Can Haz Pwned You?
Michael: Yeah, you just got totally pwooned…pwonned…p-worded in your face!
Andy: The Nard Dog will rise again…This isn’t over yet.
to be continued…here’s Part II