Earlier this year I was talking to a publisher about an idea that revolved around sticking characters from The Office into Old Testament stories.
In the end, the Publisher backed out with concerns that the project was too ephemeral, which, while frustrating, was probably true.
While this idea might not be able to carry a whole book, I figured that the blog would be a great place to share one of the sample pieces from the proposal…so here you go.
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Noah’s Ark According to The Office
Michael: “Alright people, listen up. God just told me we are supposed to build an ark because he is going to destroy the earth with a flood. He’s only going to save two of every animal and the employees here at Dundler Mifflin in Scranton, because I am such a great leader.”
Jim: “Did he say that last part, or did you make it up?”
Michael: “He implied it.”
Toby: “Wait, God’s going to wipe out the whole earth? Michael, that’s terrible!”
Michael: “No Toby, what’s terrible is that you will be on the ark with us, sucking up valuable oxygen that could have been used to save a second pair of hamsters. But, God insisted.”
Andy: “Well, give me a hammer and call me Roberto Vila. I am ready to build, boss man.”
Jim: “Wait, are we building this boat ourselves? Or are we hiring people to build it who … actually know how to build a boat?”
Dwight: “Please Halpert, I can build a boat with my eyes closed. I once built a miniature scale replica of Hogwart’s Castle for my pet wolverine. Made it out of toothpicks and badger feces.”
Jim: “Exactly.”
Michael: “Yes, we will be building the boat. But fear not, because God has given me the blueprints. And based on my extensive carpentry experience, I’d say we should be done in a few months.”
…100 years later, the boat is finished.
Excerpts from the ark’s journal:
Dwight – Day 5
Teambuilding activities are such a joke. Had I been allowed to build this ark myself it would have taken 100 days instead of 100 years. Have you seen Phyllis swing a hammer? That woman has the muscle definition of a bag of yogurt. Thankfully I used the extra time to build a series of secret passageways that connect every room in this ship. Sleep with one eye open, people.
Jim – Day 7
Pam and I built our own bedroom together, which was kind of cool. Except for the part when I found Dwight’s secret passageway into our room, which was beyond creepy. So I spent the next few weeks rerouting the tunnel to lead into the crap hole. That’s going to be a fun day.
Creed – Day 33
I watched two jackals make love today. Hadn’t seen that in years.
Kevin – Day 33
The jackal sex was like watching the end of a Hot Dog eating contest. Gross, but awesome.
Michael – Day 75
Stanley told me if I pull the Titanic thing one more time, he’s going to throw me overboard. I don’t know what he has against Leo DiCaprio. He must have a thing for Kate Winslet.
Stanley – Day 75
Today was the 75th day in a row Michael has climbed up on the front of the boat and shouted “I’m the King of the Earth!” Forget the flood. The real miracle is that I haven’t killed him yet.
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Posted by Bryan AllainTags: Featured, Noah's Ark, The Office
that is perfect! you nailed the characters exactly. i think this is a great concept for a book; you should try another publisher, or self-publish it.
really, really well done. the jackal bit was hilarious, i was laughing out loud with my buddy. the whole thing was spot on though, you got the characters down pretty well.
Wow! You captured them all perfectly. I would read this book. I have been going through The Office withdrawls and this really helped! Thanks! :0)
Ummm, hilarious. I think it takes a true Office addict to nail the characters as well as you did. And a true Office addict to recognize how well you nailed ‘em. If this can’t be a book, then it most definitely needs to be a recurring post. Next story? Maybe the one where the baby almost gets split in half. I imagine Michael and Dwight would have some good things to say.
i love that the journal parts at the end mirror the interview segments on the show. i think the idea might be “…lasting a very short time; short-lived; transitory…” in that it would probably only sell for as long as the show is popular, which realistically will probably be five more years tops. but five years isn’t bad, and this is the kinda thing that has potential to sell well to a non christian bookstore market. i agree with everett… shop it around a little more or self publish it. i think the biggest hurdle would probably be the licensing. i know people do unofficial books like this all the time, i’m just not sure how you do it and make sure you don’t get sued.
Dude, that was perfect. I’d buy the book.
You are BRILLIANT! As I was reading I could see the whole thing being played out. So funny! Youshould pitch that to NBC
Freaking. Awesome.
I’d like to echo everyone else and say, that was amazing! You definitely need to pitch the idea to NBC, I don’t think they’d have to change any of the dialogue at all. Very well done.
This just might be the single greatest post you’ve ever done! found myself laughing hysterically over – Dwight: Made it out of toothpicks and badger feces. I’d like to read the rest of the book…
Freakin’ hilarious! LOVE. IT.
I’d buy it. Or at least ask you for a free copy.
So is this something you would read to your kids at night or what? ha
Pretty darn funny there Allain.
Very well done, Bry.
I have followed this blog (accidentally of course) for quite some time and was never compelled to comment till now. I thought you embodied all the characters brilliantly. I think this would be a great web-isode on funnyordie.com. Might I suggest checking out the drunk history lessons. very similar and hilarious to boot.
thanks for the encouraging comments everyone! much appreciated.
Wow. That was awesome. (That’s what she said.)
Bahahaha. Roberto Vila.
Bryan, were you inspired to write this piece after watching Steve Carrel in Evan Almighty? I can see Michael Scott with that long white beard!
Wow, that is freaking awesome! You nailed those characters. As I read it I could hear their voices in my head exactly how they would say it.
Makes me look forward to the Office returning that much more…
Looking at this from a business standpoint, I think the publisher may’ve been right that it will have a short-lived time of fame (Office won’t be popular forever
) and a limited market. As I see it, there’s two groups of people who won’t like this book. First, there’s the conservative Christians and Jews who would be offended that you were changing the Biblical stories. Second, there’s non-Judeo-Christian readers who wouldn’t want to touch anything telling Bible stories. In between these is your potential market…and even then, it’s mostly just the die-hard Office fans who will like the book. Granted, there’s a lot of Office fans! But that still limits your audience greatly.
As the publisher alluded to, this is the sort of thing that would be really big for a really short time, and then would disappear, I think.
All that being said…it is funny and humorous. It can at least serve to make your blog popular, and if you self-publish, you might end up selling big and pocketing a lot of cash. If I was your marketing-advisor, I’d suggest finding a source to print up the books, posting a couple more sections on your blog here with a link to buy them…and see what you can do selling them for yourself.
Hey Bryan, I’d buy your book….I agree, you nailed the Office characters.
That's what she said.
So, I know I’m way behind the times here, but this is HILARIOUS. I would def. by the book. As it is, I’m going to forward it to my office addict friends. Best.
Hey dude, I just stumbled on your blog, thanks to a RT by @bradruggles. So glad I found you, this is absolutely hilarious and you nailed the characters to a "T". I totally saw this playing out in my head.
Ephemeral? Has the publisher looked at some titles out there? Have they seen… well, I'm not at a bookstore right now, but there are plenty of titles that someone thought were a good idea and now they're on the bargain table. I looked up "flash-in-the-pan books," and I found a book called, Flash in the Pan, the Life and Death of an American Restaurant. The important point here is that you have written something hilarious. If it does not go as a book, can you contact the show for some kind of "dream" episode. Hey, it could happen. I love The Office, and I love the office characters doing Noah's Ark. Btw, KT, the baby almost cut in half thing is another story.
My husband and I laughed SO hard at this yesterday! You could seriously be a writer for The Office! In the words of Andy, "Nailed It!"
You seem like a nice guy, so I'm sorry my two comments can't be as flattering as the others here. As a writer myself, it's a little strange to hear another writer not only miss a high-school level word like 'ephemeral', but suggest that it is unreasonable that he should know it. Ignorance is never endearing. Every word represents a specific idea that has been captured in a unique way that no other word can. The more words you know, the more you know.
Secondly – and this is perhaps where I might be missing a joke – The Office and its characters are all copyrighted. You could no more publish a book using these characters than you could try to write and sell a new Star Wars movie. There is even a legal risk to self-publishing fan fiction if there is a chance that you might make money off of it. But again, perhaps you weren't serious about the whole publisher thing, or genuinely didn't know, and by 'ephemeral' the publisher really meant 'gigantic copyright infringement.'
That said, nice job on the actual characterizations. The only changes I'd make would be to remove all of Jim's last quips, eg, 'That'll be a fun day' and replace them with stage direction, *smirks* or just leave it to the reader to fill it in themselves. That's how he sells it.
thanks for commenting 72, and no need to apologize for not being flattering.
not knowing the word ephemeral was a joke. yeah, it's not a word i use every day, but i knew what it meant, because like you said 'it's a high school word'. I did want to stick the actual definition into to the post as part of the joke, so i looked it up. but don't worry, i wasn't trying to be endearingly ignorant.
as for your second point, I'm going to defer to the publisher that they know what they're doing. I asked those same questions when discussing the idea with them and they said none of it would be an issue. You pay for the rights to use everything, so if they had wanted to go forward with the book, then it would have been up to there legal team to figure that out. This particular house was an imprint of Wiley, so I believe they had their ducks in a row. but you never know…
you're right about the stage direction though…didnt think of that.
i appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts. what kind of stuff do you write? i love connecting with other creatives.
You know, I’m surprised I’m the first one to say this, but I think there should have been an allusion to Steve Carrell having already played the role of Noah somewhere in there (Evan Almighty).
That said, this was hilarious. And Creed and Kevin would totally watch jackals… they are hilarious.
Nice work.
Just discovered you from SCL…LOVED THIS!