Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.
If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.
Week 9 features 13 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.
About last night – Saints 28, Panthers 10 – did we learn anything?
3 Things We Learned Last Night
1. We learned that Mark Ingram is more vital to the Saints’ success than we ever thought. Take out the game against DET in which he got injured and he’s averaging 5.3 yards per carry. Back to back 100+ yard games (and a healthy Jimmy Graham) have the Saints looking like the Saints again.
2. We learned that this Panthers team is who we thought they were. I picked them to go 5-11 this year and after their 2-0 start I thought I was an idiot. Turns out I am an idiot, but not for this prediction. The Panthers have won 1 of their last 7 games and have major issues on both sides of the ball.
3. We learned that Lebron’s Cavs are not going 41-0 at home this year. SHOCKER!
Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.
The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment
1. Denver – Far and away the best team in the league right now.
2. Green Bay – Who wouldn’t take a Rodgers-Manning Super Bowl right now?
3. Baltimore – Top 7 team on both sides of the ball.
4. Seattle – An ugly October, but January is when it counts.
5. Indy – Did their defense get exposed last week? Or was it a fluke?
6. Philly – Chip Kelly’s defense, not his offense, has been the Top 10 unit.
7. New England – Healthy Gronk means they can beat anybody.
Just Missed: – DAL, SD, and KC.
If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?
The Relegation Zone
30. Oakland – A snot rocket shot into a burning outhouse.
31. Jacksonville – Bortles threw 3 TD’s last week…but only one to his team. Yikes.
32. Tampa Bay – Finding new ways to lose, this time in OT. And we Greg Schiano was the issue?
And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.
The Non-Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week
Settle down, Pizza Hut. No one is running into your establishment to get pizza.
(That being said, have you tried the Honey BBQ Chicken on Thin Crust? I’d sprint for that.)
And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?
If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week
None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.
Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.
The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week
1. Broncos at Patriots – A dominating Denver team runs into a white-hot Patriots team. I think Peyton wins this round. DEN 38, NE 31.
2. Chargers at Dolphins – Wild Card implications abound, even in Week 9. Can that great Dolphins’ D handle that great Chargers’ O? SD 27, MIA 23.
3. Ravens at Steelers – Both 5-3, both feeling good about themselves. Perfect prime-time matchup. BAL 26, PIT 24.
What about the other games, oh great and powerful Schnoz?
Quick Mentions of the Other Games
Buccaneers at Browns – Is it too late to send this game to London? CLE 28, TB 24.
Jaguars at Bengals – I am still searching for something interesting to say about this matchup. CIN 35, JAX 24.
Cardinals at Cowboys – Neither team is as good as their record, but Romo guts this one out. DAL 31, ARI 24.
Eagles at Texans – Chip Kelly is so brilliant he will run a few plays featuring JJ Watt in his backfield. PHI 30, HOU 26.
Jets at Chiefs– Don’t sleep on the Chiefs as a returning playoff team. KC 20, NYJ 17.
Redskins at Vikings – The return of RGIII following a Skins’ win HAS to mean a loss, right? Wrong. WAS 31, MIN 30.
Rams at Niners – Madison Bumgarner set to start at QB for niners and will throw 17 TDs. SF 33, STL 24.
Raiders at Seahawks – Why not make your first win come in Seattle, just for fun. SEA 41, OAK 20.
Colts at Giants – Brisk Northeast weather this weekend means Coughlin’s face will be extra red! IND 24, NYG 14
By the way, how did your predictions do last week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week
I went 1-2. (Now 3-21 on the year)
1.Kyle Orton throws 4 TDs! He did! WIN!
2.The NFC North goes 1-3! LOSS (2-2)!
3.The Raiders win their first game! LOSS!
What about for this week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week
1. The NFC East goes 3-1 this week!
2. The Seahawks outscore the Raiders and Jets combined!
3. The Eagles and Vikings both have pick-sixes!
Enjoy the games, everyone!