Time for another edition of quotes that have never been uttered.
10 More Sentences No One Has Ever Said
1. I wish Facebook would change one thing every day and not tell us what it is.
2. Despite not being a doctor, I’d really like more information about this crotch rash you speak of.
3. In my opinion, foreplay isn’t great unless hot gravel and wool mittens are involved.
4. Instead of rings, the bride and groom have decided to exchange high fives and unopened packs of baseball cards as a token of their love today.
5. Scrape the queso from her mustache and sell it to that guy wearing the dolphin costume as soon as he drops both of his guns.
6. I’m saving my money to to buy that new Yankee Candle scent: Stale Marlboro Lights.
7. Nothing makes me feel a sense of calming peace more than watching a frazzled parent scold an obnoxious child in the middle of Target.
8. The three people I’d love to have dinner with are Kid Rock, Kid Rock’s uncle’s dentist, and Flo from the Progressive commercials.
9. With any luck I’ll see my grandparents making out on a purple futon later this week.
10. I can’t believe one of the best college football players in the country had a girlfriend who died on the same weekend as his grandmother only she didn’t really exist.
UPDATE: I guess people have said #10 now. Oh well, at least I’ve got 9 sentences no one has ever said.
You can read past editions of Sentences No One Has Ever Said here.