You know what was almost as much fun as my trip last week? Telling people about my trip last week. Three flights in six days made me seem like some kind of jet-setter. I was like George Clooney in Up in the Air, only better looking with a terrible sense of what good looks actually are.
I do know this much though: there are certain people you do not want to sit next to on a plane. You know this too, I’m sure, and I think all of our lists will differ slightly. I’ll give you my top seven and you can add some of your favorites in the comments.
1. The Whistler – here’s my rule for whistling in confined public places: DON’T. On my flight from PA to TX there was a whistler in the row behind me who apparently thought that everyone on the plane was enjoying his sonically-enhanced breathing noises.
At one point I turned around in hopes that there was an actual bluebird on his shoulder so I could shove it in his mouth and punch him in his adam’s apple. No such luck.
2. The Invisible Man – Two reasons why sitting next to the invisible man sucks.
1) at some point you’re going to elbow him right in the nose because you didn’t know he was there, and that’s no fun for anyone.
2) as soon as you do elbow him you realize that you are no longer sitting next to an empty seat which is an incredible buzz-kill. You’ll be bitter an angry for the rest of the flight.
3. People Who Smell Like Snack Foods – I don’t mind the smell of corn chips when I’m eating corn chips, but if I get a whiff of Frito-Lays every time you adjust in your seat, that’s gonna be a problem.
Free Tip: when your shoes start to smell like sour cream and onion Pringles, it’s time for new shoes.
4. The Diner – Pretend all you want lady, but I saw you sitting at the gate with that T.G.I. Friday’s bag for a full 40 minutes before we got on this plane. You could have eaten that tuna salad sandwich there in a well-ventilated open space, but no, you had to wait until we were in this tiny flying cylinder before you broke it out.
Oh great, you’ve got a banana smoothie and a side order of onion rings too. Sure, why don’t you just use my tray table as well as yours to spread everything out, I wouldn’t want to ruin your fine dining experience. I’ll be over here doing long division on my napkin trying to figure out how to evenly ration out my 19 peanuts over a 3-hour flight.
5. The Murderer – I mean, chances are good that he won’t kill you on the plane in broad daylight. BUT…if someone’s going to get murdered on your flight and you’re the one sitting next to a murderer, it’s probably going to be you.
6. The Talk-Show Host – Listen lady, if I had wanted to go to a taping of Ellen I would be flying to Burbank right now, not Nashville. We get it; you’re a great conversationalist and you love involving other people in your discussions, even if they’re sitting two rows away from you.
The thing is, I can’t move right now and I can’t shut you up by changing the channel or hitting the MUTE button. I think I speak for everyone in rows 12-17 when I say “ROLL CREDITS AND SIGN OFF!”
7. The Blogger – Why does this person keep looking around the cabin of the plane after every 3 sentences? Is he writing a blog post about annoying people on an airplane? Is he writing things about me right now that he’s going to post later in the week?
If he is, I better not show up on his list because I am The Murderer.
Give us 1 or 2 people that would definitely make it on your list of people you don’t want to sit next to on a plane.