Overheard in a Public Restroom: A Chad Jones Guest Post

Today’s guest post is from Chad Jones. Chad is a former Pennsylvanian who has never eaten a real cheesesteak or taken a bite of scrapple. He lives with his wife, Lisa, and their two children in the vast brown expanse of the Sonoran desert. Here’s Chad…

I like to think that I’m a responsible parent.

When my kids were small, if we were out and about, and one of them had to use the facilities, I of course would accompany them.

Assisting my son had its challenges, but that was nothing compared to assisting my daughter. I learned very quickly, insofar as public restrooms are concerned, girls are just a little different. And by “just a little different”, I mean “capable of saying the most inappropriate things in the worst contexts”.

(If you feel a list coming on, give yourself a pat on the back…)

The Five Things You Never Want to Hear From Your Child in a Public Restroom

(which could also be called)

The Five Things I HAVE Heard From My Child in a Public Restroom

5. One time on the way in she yelled, in her loudest voice possible, “What stinks, daddy?” (Like it’s not a bathroom, but a garbage masher on the Deathstar). I should have just pointed at the first person I saw and said, “He does, Sweetie. That man right there stunk up the whole place with his toxic digestive waste.”

4. “Daddy, it’s coming.” Also in a doggone loud voice. And like I didn’t know. Now the whole lavatory knows. Then again, the fact that we were sprinting into the bathroom probably gave us away.

3. “Look at me.” Now, I don’t know about you, but when I’m on stall patrol, I’m not really interested in observing the nuances of my child’s facial expressions and grunts. In fact my eyes are probably closed, and in my head I’m probably on a beach somewhere sipping a cold drink and eating an entire bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos.

Of course, when I refuse to look at her, said child gets pouty, and tells me “I want privacy, turn around!” Now this I am more than happy to do. Only it led to her telling me…

2. “Wow, you’re getting bigger!” Of all the things I’ve ever heard in a public bathroom, this is perhaps the one that made me most want disappear down the Zurn drain! Turns out my dear little sweetie meant my backside.

Apparently I’d been downing entire bags of Doritos in my dreams AND in real life. But wait, it gets worse…

1. Upon commencement of the “doodies,” it is my job to wipe–which was greeted with a loud: “Daddy, your wipe hurts my butt!” If I had worked for the Ministry of Magic, I would’ve dived right into the bowl then and there! But alas, I don’t, and thus had to brave my way to the sink–all the while expecting Child Protective Services to be waiting for me in the lobby!

Call it the Dad Walk of Shame.

What about you? Please tell me I’m not the only one with restroom horror stories.

What’s your worst public restroom experience with your child? Or do you have a particularly frightening public restroom memory from when you were a child?

Let us know in the comments…

PS…For more of Chad, check out his blog RandomlyChad, where he writes authentically about being himself 5 days a week.