Jesus and the Zombie-Pirates: A Guest Post by Cole Schneider

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This is a guest post from my friend Cole Schneider. Cole is a fan of the Orlando Magic, but let’s all promise not to hold that against him, okay?

——————–

Jesus and the Zombie-Pirates

Once upon a time, Jesus said the following to a bunch of people:

“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better to lose one of your members than your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than your whole body go to hell.”

As I was reading these verses recently I wondered what a typical 12-year old would think of Jesus’ statement if left to his or her own understanding. I wondered how many of them would picture a bunch of people walking around with only 5 fingers and 1 eye; an army of obedient zombie-pirates.

When Jesus was 12 years old he amazed the rabbis in Jerusalem with His “understanding”. Even from a young age He knew the value of God’s word. He knew that regurgitation of Sunday School answers wasn’t the point. He “understood” implies that He used some basic critical thinking skills to better understand God’s word and the implications, which that was going to place on His life. It then says that Jesus continued to “increased in wisdom”. Again, let me remind you…He was only 12.

Like me, I’m guessing you’re older than 12. I’m also guessing that none of us would amaze the rabbis in Jerusalem with our understanding. We can sometimes be a little lazy with the way we follow Jesus. We want other people to give to the poor. We want other people to volunteer their time and effort. We even want other people to read the Bible for us. We sometimes think getting our one hour per week fix every Sunday is enough. We can even think it is commendable that we show up, like it is our sole academic thinking requirement for our spiritual lives just to be there.

However, Jesus has called us to a much more radical level of critical thinking. He didn’t always speak in concise, straightforward teachings that were 140 characters or less and made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He spoke often in parables and metaphor, questioning and challenging people to think their way to a conclusion that matched He and his Father’s will.

Jesus inspired people, but He did so very uniquely by way of challenging those people into an understanding of their source of inspiration.

So my question for you is, do you know the answers from Sunday School (or big-boy church) without really understanding the questions? Do you take the few answers that the Bible does provide at face value, not willing to search for deeper meaning in anything?

I’ll leave you with this thought…

The next morning Jesus woke up to a multitude of bloodied, one-eyed, one-handed people. He was astonished by their faithfulness, but even more disturbed by their foolishness. He then said with a half-grin, “I hope some of you were left-handed.”

If you’re honest, how often do you find yourself acting like a Zombie-Pirate?

For more from Cole (who recently got a chance to guest post on Tony Campolo’s blog as well), check out his website ColeHardCash.com. Yes, of course there’s a picture of his face on a $100 bill.

Comments

  • Another Guest Post | ColeHardCash

    Mar 18, 2011

    Reply

    […] friend Bryan is a Celtics fan, he is hilarious, and he has also let me guest post on his blog today.  It’s a re-post with some fresh commentary.  You sh0uld check it out and […]

  • Cole

    Mar 18, 2011

    Reply

    Yo Bryan,

    Not sure if you’re aware, but Larry Bird retired a few years back. Now the Celtics are just a compilation of old dudes like KG and Pierce. You should move south, get a hammock, and root for Superman. Go Magic!

    p.s. thanks for letting me guest-post.

    • darooda

      Mar 18, 2011

      Christians don’t believe in Magic, heathen.

    • Cole

      Mar 18, 2011

      Paul mentions somewhere in his letter to the Thessalonians that, even though he doesn’t approve of magic, God loves Dwight Howard more than Rajon Rondo. You can’t argue with scripture, especially such detailed prophesy.

  • Tony Alicea

    Mar 18, 2011

    Reply

    This is epic dude! Well done!

    • Cole

      Mar 18, 2011

      Thanks Tony!

  • jordan

    Mar 19, 2011

    Reply

    i wish more people would look for the truth behind the parables in the bible. i feel like way too many people take every word of the bible literally and to me that is not using your brain at all.

  • Jamie

    Mar 20, 2011

    Reply

    I think the main question is will Van Gundy ever get past the no-tie thing? Maybe an eye-patch would help.

    • Cole

      Mar 21, 2011

      Good call, Jamie. Maybe an eye-patch would help Dwight make some free throws?

  • ColeHardCash

    Apr 13, 2011

    Reply

    […] problem, though, is masked by alcohol. The real problem is apathy and an acceptance of ignorance. I wrote a little about this for Bryan Allain a few weeks back and I still don’t fully understand the reasons for our […]

  • If We Take the Bible Literally | Joe Burnham is Restorying Life

    Mar 29, 2012

    Reply

    […] “The next morning Jesus woke up to a multitude of bloodied, one-eyed, one-handed people. He was astonished by their faithfulness, but even more disturbed by their foolishness.” – Cole Schneider […]

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