Tonight’s the season finale of The Bachelor, which makes today the perfect day to let you all in on something amazing.
It’s no secret that my wife and I enjoy watching ABC’s The Bachelor/The Bachelorette series. I’ve gone on record a bunch of times saying that it is the most cruel show on television, yet I can’t look away.
Well, imagine my surprise a few weeks ago when right as we were starting up the show on our DVR our doorbell rang and it was Moses. Yes, that Moses. We let him in, offered him some Cheez-its and soda, and forced him to watch The Bachelor with us. Here’s a running diary of what went down.
Watching the Bachelor With Moses
Moses: What is a television? And how have you encased such a bright fire into this small glass orb?
Bryan: Okay we get it. You don’t know what electricity, light bulbs, and television cameras are. For the sake of this blog post let’s just suspend our disbelief with that stuff and watch the show.
Moses: Whatever you say Pharaoh, it’s your kingdom.
Tonight on The Bachelor, our most dramatic and controversial episode ever…
Moses: Wow, how lucky am I to have chosen the most dramatic episode ever as my first!
Bryan: Actually, they say that before every episode.
Moses: So they REALLY DO keep getting more dramatic every time?
Bryan: Nope, they just lie to make you want to watch.
Moses: That’s a blatant violation of the 9th commandment!
Bryan: Get used to it. We should see all 10 violated by the 3rd commercial break.
Erica: Okay, if you guys are gonna talk through this whole show I’m going upstairs to watch. (heads upstairs)
Moses: Clever way to not have to worry about writing dialogue for a third person in this blog post.
Bryan: Thank you.
The Bachelor: “Tonight is a group date with 7 of the girls. I’m so excited to hang out with them.”
Moses: Nice house these people live in. And I thought the Tabernacle was pimped out.
Bryan: It was…
Moses: and tell me this. Why do all these sisters look so different? Are they sisters from different concubines?
Bryan: Well, actually…
Moses: Oh and this must be the father, but wow does he look young. Maybe it’s the clean shaven face throwing me off, but he looks way too young to have fathered all of these women.
Bryan: Yeah, these girls aren’t sisters and that’s not the father. That’s Chris Harrison.
Moses: Why is he here?
Bryan: We’ve been asking that since 2002.
Moses: And these virgins are all here to marry the Bachelor?
Bryan: Well actually I don’t know that these girls are…you know what…nevermind. Yes, all these girls would like to be with him.
Moses: Good for him. He should be able to produce much offspring with this willing group of beauties.
Bryan: Well, he’s only picking 1 of them in the end.
Moses: Just one??? Were the dowries unacceptable?
Bryan: No, he only picks one because in our day and age two people fall in love with each other and commit to being with only that person forever. It’s actually kind of great.
Moses: Then why is this man sucking face with his third different girl in five minutes?
Bryan: He’s trying to figure out which one to commit to.
Moses: Where I come from this is not a great way to find a wife.
Bryan: Well, none of the first 14 Bachelors are with the women they gave the final rose to, so I’d say it still isn’t.
The Bachelor: “Dinner was amazing, and then we all grabbed our drinks and headed over to the hot tub.”
Moses: These women are almost naked. Where is this being filmed, Canaan?
Bryan: Close, L.A.
Moses: Does L.A. flow with milk and honey?
Bryan: Yup. Except we call it “cocktails and champagne”.
Moses: and what do the women do during the day? Harvest the fields or prepare leavened cakes?
Bryan: No, they work on their tans and drink the milk and honey.
Moses: Can I tell you something?
Moses: These Cheez-its really put manna to shame.
The Bachelor: “This rose ceremony truly is one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make in all my life.”
Moses: Why is he handing out roses. Are these considered currency in your land?
Bryan: In some relationships.
Moses: The girl on the far left is very beautiful. Had I been born 3600 years later I might have welcomed her into my tent.
Bryan: Easy there Moses, this is a family blog. Then again, she is a professional hair stylist. She could do a lot with that mangy mop you’re working there.
Moses: Listen buddy, I don’t care how hydrating the shampoo is. Once you’ve seen a glimpse of God’s glory you can never get that bounce back.
Bryan: Fair enough.
Chris Harrison: “Ladies, this is the final rose.”
Moses: Why did the pointless man tell us there was only 1 rose left. We could clearly see that on the screen.
Bryan: Preaching to the choir, buddy.
Moses: I’ve got to admit, even though I have no concept of romantic love this is all pretty riveting.
Bryan: I know, right? Even though my relationship with my toothbrush will last longer than any bond formed on this show, it’s still hard not to watch.
Moses: Wow, he gave the final rose to the girl in the back row over my girl on the far left! This is an outrage!
Bryan: Woah woah woah. Put the staff down, buddy. You try to get water to flow out of my flat screen and you’ll owe me $1200 in shekels and livestock.
Moses: But what will happen to her? Will she get stoned outside the camp?
Bryan: She might. Or she might get hammered on top shelf Cosmo martinis or just eat a bunch of chocolate. Different people medicate in different ways, Mo. In fact, she might even hire a personal trainer, lose another 10 pounds and come back as The Bachelorette in a few months.You never know.
Moses: Wait, there’s another version of this show?
Bryan: Yup. It’s just as awful and just as great.
Moses: Ummm…do you have room in your backyard for a tent?
Bryan: Hey, isn’t that the sound of your pillar of fire moving down the street? You better get a move on.
Moses: Fine, but I’m taking the Cheez-Its with me. Aaron’s gonna love these things.
Bryan: Thou shalt not steal.
Moses: Really, you want to go there with ME?
Bryan: Fine, take ’em.