Naming Your Fantasy Team

The NFL Season starts soon, which means you’re probably about to draft your fantasy team. If you’re looking for some help with that…sorry, you’re on your own.

But one thing I can help you with is naming your fantasy team. I’ve been crafting great team names for years, starting with the 1977 Fantasy Football team I drafted as an 11-month old called “I Poop Myself”.

A few years ago I created a list of DO’s and DONT’s for Christians who were trying to figure out a good name for their team. I’ve gone through and updated it in hopes that it will help some of you this season. (and at the end I even give you a list of names to use if you need some help).

Guidelines for Naming Your Fantasy Team

DO feel free to use alliterations whenever possible. Not only do they look good, but also they make for great nicknames. For example, “The Amish Are Angry” is a great name because it is visually appealing AND you have the option of referring to your team as ‘The Triple-A’. (Plus, major bonus points any time you can incorporate the Amish into your name.)

Other Examples: Katy Perry Kicks Pigeons (KP-squared), Tears of a Dentist (TOAD), I Kill Elderly Amishmen (IKEA)

DON’T use the name of your favorite professional team in your fantasy team’s moniker. It makes you sound like a 14-yr-old girl fawning over her pimple-faced boyfriend.

Examples: Giants4Life, TitansPOWER, RabidDolphins, CowboysAlltheway

DO use your team name to make childish references to bodily functions and noises. You’ll get your opponents chuckling, which will distract them from the fact that you are about to pummel them into bolivian.

Examples: Fart Like You Mean It, Boiling Pony Urine, Liquid Belch, Ferretts Break Wind

DON’T use your team name to make derogatory references to your spouse or pastor. They might be funny, but they’ll only get you in trouble in the long run.

Examples: Nagging Wife 4 Sale, Shut Your Hole Pastor Jim, UnWifelike Conduct Penalty

DO feel free to incorporate pop culture references whenever you can. Incorporating characters or dialogue from recent television shows or movies is a great way to get a laugh and show you’re still on the ball. Though it’s a bit dated now, I still don’t think you can go wrong with a Seinfeld reference. I’ve gone that route more than once in the past decade fielding teams named “The Marine Biologists”, “I Was in the Pool!”, and “The Pretend Architects”.

Examples: Sheen Joe Greene, Record Breaking Bad, Let There Be Twilight, Barren Sarah Palin, The Arcade Fiery Furnace, VoldeMort Report

DON’T try to convert people to Christianity with your team name. While I’d never say that God is incapable of using a fantasy team name to change someone’s heart, I’m pretty sure there are one million better ways to have an impact on someone’s life.

Examples: No Christ No Heaven, Only Goalies & Jesus Save, If I Win I Get to Witness To You

BONUS: If you can’t come up with anything on your own, here’s 21 biblical names I threw together. You may use these royalty-free.

Give Me Back My Rib
Bathroom of the Ark
Jonah and the Vomit Riders
The Unpardonable Win
Samson Mullet
No One Reads Philemon
The Propitiation
Gomorrah Forecast
Your Mother is Rahab
The Abomination of Desolation
Egyptian Frog Casserole
Thessalonian Lisp
Stench of Lazarus
The Fake Hairy Jacobs
Disciple This
Fierce Nile Blood Squad
Job Had It Coming.
Shears of Delilah
Manger Danger
Parable of the Beatdown
Biblical Proportions

What about you? Any great fantasy names this year or in the past?

Let us have ’em.