- Michael Scott as Moses
- Dwight Schrute as Aaron
- Ryan Howard as Joshua
- Andy Bernard as Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt
- Erin Kemper as Caleb the Spy
- Jim, Stanley, Kevin, Angela, Oscar, Phyllis, Creed, and Pam as the Grumbling Israelites.
The Exodus, Pt IV
After what feels like four decades wandering around in the desert, God is finally ready to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land.
God: Remember all that stuff about a new Office complex flowing with milk and honey? Well, it’s time. Send out some of your employees to spy out the new digs.
Michael: Ooh, can I go? I’m a great spy. I once watched Jim and Pam make out in his backseat for 20 minutes from the roof of his car.
Pam: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.
God: No, Michael, you can’t go because you’re super old and super frail. Send Erin, Oscar and some warehouse guys.
Six weeks later, the spies return with word that the new office complex is amazing. There’s a Starbucks in the lobby, free Wi-Fi throughout the building, and a cafeteria staffed with a 5-star chef. On the downside, the parking lot is gated with key card access and there are armed guards patrolling the campus. It’s this latter bit of news that send the Israelites into a tizzy.
Erin: Woah, calm down everyone. Listen, forget about the armed guards and the gates…we can do this. God wouldn’t have promised us this Office building if he wasn’t going to help us occupy it.
Oscar: I don’t know Erin, I’m not comfortable around guys with guns.
Kevin: Yeah, I don’t care how many stars the Chef has, this body can’t exactly outrun a bullet.
Dwight: You people are all acting like cowards! If God says this office building is ours, then it’s ours.
Jim: I can’t believe I’m actually gonna say this, but I’m with Dwight. No idea how this is gonna work, but God has always come through for us before.
Stanley: Yeah well you and Dwight can have fun catching bullets together. I’m not going anywhere.
God pulls Michael aside and lets him in on a new plan.
God: I can’t take these people anymore Michael. Let’s just fire them all and I’ll get you a new staff.
Michael: No! I know sometimes they can be stubborn jerks, but they’re MY stubborn jerks. Please just be patient with them, they’ll come around.
God: Fine, but they’re not all going to make it into the new office building. Erin, Dwight, and Jim trust me, so I’m cool with them. But some of these buffoons keep forgetting who I am. There will be layoffs, Michael. You won’t be moving into the new Office until all the grumblers are let go.
But it doesn’t take long for the Israelites to start complaining again. This time their not happy because there’s no water in the water coolers.
God: Michael and Dwight, bring the people up to the empty water cooler and speak to it and it will be filled again. Your people will see this and they’ll remember who I am.
Dwight: I’ve got a better idea. Let’s whack it with a bo staff.
Michael: Great idea, Dwight!
in frustration Michael whacks the water cooler with a bo staff, causing it to be filled with water
God: Okay, this management situation really isn’t working anymore. I’ve filed papers with HR to have you both removed. You guys can help lead the staff to the new office building, but we’re going to transition leadership of this company to someone else when we get there.
Dwight: Just like that huh? Well, if that’s the way it has to be then, fine. I’m giving all my sales leads to Jim Halpert.
Jim: WOW. Thanks Dwight, that’s actually…really nice of you.
Dwight: No it’s not. You’ll be so overwhelmed with all my clients that you’ll be fired in a week.
Jim: …and that’s more like it.
God: Michael, I want you to appoint Ryan as the new leader of the Office. He will lead the staff into the new building and position them as one of the top companies in all the land.
Michael: Everyone listen up! Ryan here is going to be your new leader. Please understand from the get-go that there’s no way he can fill my shoes. Because first of all, we all know what they say about a guy with big shoes…and because second of all, this company has never seen a Manager quite like me.
Jim: *nods and looks at the camera like he does 17 times in every episode*
Michael: But fear not. Ryan has God’s blessing, and he has my blessing, and with those two things it’s almost impossible to screw things up. Remember the good times, forget the bad times, and enjoy your new office building. I will be with you in spirit, roaming the halls and bathrooms like a ghost.
Oscar: Michael, that’s gross. And illegal.
Michael: State and federal laws don’t apply to ghosts Oscar, look it up.
Creed: You’re kidding me? I just wasted four grand on a burial plot in Portugal for nothing.
Phyllis: We’ll miss you Michael.
Michael: I’ll miss you all too, except for Toby. And I’m sure wherever I’m going they’ll need an amazing boss to do what I did here: help the best bunch of employees a boss could ever want enjoy their jobs and feel fulfilled at the end of every day.
Jim: Well Michael, no one knows how to leave them smiling and satisfied quite like you do.
Michael: That’s what she said.
Jim: Yes she did.