The Thing About Getting Dumped

Getting dumped was the worst, wasn’t it?

Believe me when I tell you it was the worst because I should know. I went out* with a bunch girls in junior high and was dumped by all but one of them.**

*by “went out”, I mean that we referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and occasionally made eye contact while passing notes. There was no “going” anywhere. As I’ve said before, you can Google “Worst Boyfriend Ever” and read all about my junior high relationships.

**Of all the girls I “went out” with, Tracey might have been the nicest one and I dumped her twice. I’m an idiot.

Anyhoo, based on my extensive research, here’s what I’ve come up with.

The 10 Most Popular Ways to Get Dumped in Junior High

(ranked from least to most heart-wrenching)

1 – The Note. This is the easiest way to get dumped. You can read the news slowly or get it over quickly. Choose Your Own Breakup Pace! You can also use the note to dry your tears, so bonus points if she scribbled it down on a napkin during lunch. Later that night you can re-read the note for the 375th time, looking for clues to see if there’s a chance she’s still into you. And when you finally realize it’s over, you can burn the note and feel some real closure. It’s a win for everyone.

2 – The Friendly Water Fountain. My research has shown that 41% of all middle school breakups occur at the water fountain. There must be something about water that tastes like dirty iron that is an antidote for love. But hey, at least she asked YOUR friend to deliver the news to you. What she’s saying is, “I don’t care enough about you to do this gently, but I’m sure Jason does so I’ll let him tell you that I think you’re an idiot and not nearly as cute as you were last week.” And if Jason’s a real friend he’ll leave out the details and just tell you you’re dumped, and then he’ll ask you to come over later to play Contra on his Nintendo to help with the healing process because he knows the code to get 30 lives instead of 3. Now that’s a real friend.

3 – The Enemy Water Fountain. This is just like the last one, except it’s HER friend and she doesn’t let you down as easy as your buddy did. Probably because she was the one trying to convince her best friend to dump you for the last two weeks. She probably even cracked a slight smile when she delivered the news that made you want to punch her in the face. But you didn’t because you’re a lover, not a fighter. And because she could probably beat you up.

4 – The Alexander Graham Bell. Of all the ways to get the news directly from your (ex)-girlfriend, over the phone is definitely the easiest. You can’t see the smile on her face and she can’t see your ugly “I’m trying not to cry” face. And if things get too awkward, either of you can just hang up and destroy the phone call the way she just destroyed your heart. Thanks for nothing, technology.

5 – The After School Special. If she’s going to dump you face to face, at least she did it right as you were leaving school. This gives you a solid 16 hours to go through the 7 stages of grieving. And hey, if you can successfully make yourself puke in the morning by thinking about making out with the mustachioed cafeteria lady when she’s got a mouthful of school french fries, you can stay home from school and turn that 16 hours into 40!

To see the second half of this list, click here.

PS … I’ve got a guest post today at Stuff Christians Like – 10 Ways to Know You’re at a Christian Concert.