Some lists need no introduction because you’ve seen them a hundred times and they make perfect sense. Top 10 Blogs I visit, 5 Reasons to go to Catalyst This Year, and 21 Ways to Make Money While on the Toilet, to name a few.
Then there are other lists that need no introduction because, well, they just don’t need an introduction.
(and yes, I guess all that technically qualifies as an introduction. Stop nitpicking.)
The 15 Most Embarrassing Non-Sexual Things To Catch Your Grandparents Doing.
1. Clipping Al Roker’s Toenails – Maybe Al needed some help with this a few years ago, but he’s lost a lot of weight since then grandpa. He can do that himself. And grandma, if you’re going to help out at least use some nail clippers. I don’t care how sharp your incisors are, that’s just wrong.
2. Doing Jello shots – Can’t you guys just sip whiskey or red wine like everyone else’s grandparents? And please, stop dancing on the table grandma, you’re going to hit your heard on the ceiling fan. Again.
3. Worshiping at a David Hasselhoff shrine – Oh grandma, I’m sorry to interrupt prayer time, I smelled the candles burning and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. Are you crying? Geesh, I’m really sorry. I should have knocked, I apolo…and…that’s totally a picture of David Hasselhoff that you’re clutching isn’t it? Wait, is that the Baywatch theme coming from your cassette deck? And why does it smell like Hawaiian Tropic lotion in here?
4. Ranking their favorite grandkids on a giant whiteboard – I don’t know what makes me more upset, the fact that you’re ranking all of us or the fact that I’m 6th out of 10. I mean, I always say “thanks for slipping me that $5 bill” more than any of the other kids. You’d think that would have at least got me into the Top 3, you heartless animals!
5. Eating Dog Food – I don’t care how much it tastes like real bacon, grandpa, that’s just disgusting. Can you at least save yourself a sliver of dignity and use a spoon?
6. Stabbing a voodoo doll – Um, guys what are you doing with that doll? Hey hey! Why are you shoving that letter opener into it’s chest like that? You’re gonna make a mess! You’re getting cotton all over the dining room floor and I’m gonna be the one who has to clean…wait a second, what’s written on it’s stomach? “Osama Bin Laden”? You guys are stabbing a Bin Laden voodoo doll? Have you guys been watching the 700 Club again?
7. Lighting their farts on fire – I’d warn you guys about the urban legend that says those flaming farts could travel up your intestines and burn you alive, but I’ll be honest, that would be a pretty cool way for you to go.
8. Counting Chuck E. Cheese Tickets – Guys, if you really want a plastic spider ring I think there’s enough margin in your pension to get you one. Oh, you’re saving up 10,000 tickets for the razor scooter? Well in that case keep counting. There’s no way we’ll be able to find one of those at a toy store for a reasonable price.
9. Doing P90X – I’d argue that you guys really shouldn’t be worrying about a beach body anymore, but if grandpa is going to insist on the Speedo again next summer, every little bit will help.
10. Sitting in Adjacent Bathtubs – I almost left this off the list because it is sexually-related. Then I realized there’s absolutely nothing sexual about sitting in your own bathtub next to someone sitting in their own bathtub.
11. Performing surgeries on stuffed animals – I’ve got to be honest, as cute as it is that you guys are dressed up in scrubs and talking to each other in doctor lingo, watching you take off that giraffe’s neck with a steak knife will probably haunt me for the rest of time.
12. Using MySpace – Unless you guys started a band this week and didn’t tell me about it, you really should think about coming over to Facebook.
13. Doing the Soulja Boy Dance – Grandpa, you do realize you just said “Superman that ho!”? I can only hope grandma has no idea what that means.
14. Watching Barney – I don’t care if this is an episode you haven’t seen yet, they all end the same. The kids revolt and stab the big purple dinosaur to death with a harpoon, then they burn his carcass on a funeral pyre and shoot up heroin. (At least, that’s how the episodes end in my head.)
15. Running an illegal gambling ring out of their bedroom – What’s going on in here? *cough* You guys are going to set off the fire alarm with all this cigar smoke *cough* Are you taking NFL futures bets? Why are you guys doing this? It’s illegal, not to mention the seedy characters you you’re dealing with. Wait a second, you’ve got the Ravens at 18:1 to win the Super Bowl next year? Wow, there’s some real value there. Screw it, put me down for a hundred on Baltimore.
What about you? Got any ideas that I missed?