a few random things that have been rattling around in the old noggin…
+ Why is it that 9 out of 10 movies/TV shows that show alien life make them out to be 10 times uglier and smarter than us? If there is other life out there, I like to think it’s absolutely beautiful and completely moronic.
+ I am plagued with guilt every time I throw away a penny. I feel like it throws off the whole United States Currency system. There’s probably some guy at The Mint right now pulling his hair out because his numbers just aren’t working out. “I don’t understand! We had 41 more cents in circulation yesterday than today! Money just doesn’t get thrown out! Who is responsible for this anarchy?”
+ Best Christmas gift of 2009 – The Kindle. Worst Christmas Gift of 2009 – kindling.
+ I’m sorry Jeep owners, but I really don’t want to understand.
+ You know when a sporting event shows you a live feed of a remote crowd (like at a bar in another city or troops overseas), only the people don’t realize they’re on TV until the split second before the camera cuts back to a different shot. I hate that.
+ Top 5 grossest inanimate objects to lick: fly swatter, used band-aid, movie theater floor, Keith Richards, and the plunger at work.
+ I’ve been dropping generic ibuprofen for so long that the genuine Advil someone gave me the other day was a pleasant surprise. That candy coating is delightful.
+ In Pennsylvania we have lottery ticket vending machines near the exits of most supermarkets. Every time I see someone feeding greenbacks into one of them I shake my head and punch myself in the face for not having any cash on me. Why? I have a foolproof plan for making money off of these folks. Hide a $5 in one hand and a $10 in the other and tell people you are a part of a new live lottery game called “Guess the Hand”. For $20 they guess which hand has the $10 bill. If they win, they win the $10. If they lose, they win the $5. Nobody walks away empty-handed. As dumb as it is, it still makes more sense than buying lottery tickets.
+ Things I love: calendars, rooibos tea, maps, waiting rooms with current magazines, playoff football, and paying an extra 50 cents for premium scotch tape.
+ Things I do not love: slow gas pumps, drying off with a wet towel, cereal boxes that have not been properly opened, static electricity, and winter.
+ Every fortune cookie should read “Your tummy’s about to hurt”.
+ If I was around when that Tower of Babel mess happened, I totally would have just been making stuff up.
+ Every time I blow my nose with toilet paper I feel like I’m doing a good deed. You gotta figure those squares of toilet paper know their fate when they come out of the factory. 99 out of every 100 squares will be used to clean bodily waste. But it’s every square’s dream to be used for a higher purpose: a runny nose, a bloody zit, makeup removal, drying a teary eye, and maybe even cleaning up a tiny puddle of koolaid because you were trying to enjoy a refreshing beverage while pinching one off. Won’t you join me in shunning facial tissues to rescue a square of TP today?
+ The most useless buttons on the face of the earth are the calculator buttons that have an “M” on them. I’ve never used one of those on purpose in my entire life.