Books I Didn't Write #001

Books I Didn’t Write is a recurring gag here at the blog. I take a random picture, come up with a title, and then write up a fake review.

Yes, it is as dumb as it sounds.

Let’s Talk About Your Makeup

by Bryan Allain


Publisher: SPF500 Press

Status: Out of Eyeliner

For Fans of: The Undertaker, unpainted nails, ghosts, raccoon eyes, sunblock abuse, hiding between two gallons of milk, lipstick, face painting, ear hiding, dress up, and water drop mustaches

Summary: World renowned makeup artist Bryan Allain walks you through the dos and don’ts of the art of makeup. Using everyday objects like sidewalk chalk and charcoal briquettes, Bryan paints on the palette of the female face with the grace of Van Gogh and the edginess of an angry Alec Baldwin.

What People Are Saying:

“This book made me want to rub dirt on my face in the name of art. Spellbinding and altruistic, I’ll never be the same again!”

“A masterpiece. What Van Gogh is to dead artists, Allain is to alive writers.”

“No, it wasn’t Maybelline, he WAS born with it. Writing this good never goes out of style!”

Book Excerpts:

“While it’s true that 14th Century vampires often used the blood of ravens for lipstick, advances in modern technology have obsoleted the need for us to kill fowl in order to make our lips stand out. Raven’s blood is good, however, for making a poor man’s Sangria when you’re out of red wine. “

“To properly apply foundation, first cleanse your skin from all impurities with a bar of Ivory soap and 20-grit sandpaper. Apply the foundation with a brushing motion, starting from the corner of the mouth and moving to the outside of the eye in an S-shaped pattern. Always squint while applying  makeup as it will improve the performance of your rods and cones, as well as adding contour to your otherwise insipid cheeks.”

“While little credit is given to him, Napoleon Bonapart played a huge role in the advancement and acceptance of makeup in the 19th century. His technique for applying eye shadow, known as piggletotting, revolutionized eye makeup for centuries to come. Napoleon was also a wizard with lipstick, as it was said that he could make himself look 3 inches taller by using the right color.”

Awards: Book Cover of the Year – Scary Things Magazine

People Who Liked This Book Also Enjoyed:

  • Face Painting for Screams and Profit
  • Naked Cheeks: 12 Harrowing Months without Makeup
  • The Idiot’s Guide To Unibrow Maintenance
  • Twilight
  • Ninja Quest 1: The Masked Man Wears Two Masks

Feel free to use the comments section for fake reviews, fake chapter titles, and anything else you can think of.