The Comfort Wipe

I think the Snuggie officially changed the game for infomercials. No longer are they trying to convince you to buy a product. Now all they’re doing is trying to be ridiculous as possible in hopes that their commercial will go viral.

Well, congratulations Comfort Wipe. You win.

So much to comment on, but I’ll just highlight 10 things and let you guys fill in the rest and add in your commentary:

1. (0:01) The video opens with someone yanking the TP on the roll. That dude is about to wipe with 22 squares of TP, which is a bit excessive. Not only that, but who scrunches when the TP is still on the roll?

2. (0:15) “The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s!” Really? Because I’m pretty sure in the 1880s they were still wiping themselves with tree bark and oak leaves. What about the invention of perforations? What about the invention of 2-ply and 3-ply? What about the invention of Charmin Toilet Quilts?

3. (0:18) “It extends your reach a full 18 inches.” I’m sorry, if you can’t reach your butt to wipe, maybe it’s time to spend your money on something other than a Comfort Wipe. Now, if you were born with stubby arms or a 3-foot deep butt, then I’m not talking to you, so please don’t be offended. Actually, I don’t know who I’m talking to. Let’s move on.

4. (0:23) “It’s as easy to use as a shower brush!” In fact, if you’ve ever wanted to rub fecal on yourself in the shower, now you can!

5. (0:32) “Think about it. Toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting” You know what, I did think about it and I disagree. Toilet paper is neither archaic nor disgusting. Pooping in a hole in the ground and using your left hand to wipe yourself is really archaic and disgusting. Toilet paper is fine. Not to mention that you’re still using toilet paper in this process. So really shouldn’t you be trying to convince me that holding soiled toilet paper in my hand is disgusting, and not the toilet paper itself?

6. (0:38) “That’s right! Never touch another dirty toilet tissue.” Instead, touch a piece a plastic that’s been between the butt cheeks of everyone in your house.

7. (0:40) “Being a big guy certainly has its advantages” Really? What exactly, are those advantages? I mean, nothing against big guys here, but I’d really like to see a separate video where Mr. Blue shirt unpacks that statement for us.

8. (0:50) “The comfort wipe allows you to maintain your dignity” That would be great, except for the fact that you lost every ounce of dignity you ever had when you decided to order the Comfort Wipe.  (and what accent is she using when she says the word ‘dignity’? Olde English? Rich Person?)

9. (1:10) Apparently you can tear your shoulder labrum from wiping your butt. How fast are these people wiping themselves that it’s requiring major reconstructive surgery?

10. (1:26) Mark my words, the Get-A-Grip will be responsible for multiple deaths by the end of the year. I’m not rejoicing in it, just giving you the facts.

Bonus. (1:35) “The entire $50 value for just $19.99” Can we get some info on the independent organization who set a value on these time items at $50? I’d like them to come and appraise my house.

What do you think? Is this the personal hygiene product you’ve been dreaming of all your life?

What else in this video is worthy of mockery?