+ Bluetooth earpieces were the best thing that ever happened for people who can’t stop talking to themselves. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for the rest of us), nobody flaunts them around in public anymore because they’re just not cool.
+ Gotta hate it when the car in front of you decides to spray his windshield and gets washer fluid all over your car. If anyone is aware of an after-market accessory I can throw on my car that shoots a stream of bacon grease 50 feet forward all over the back window of the car in front of me, let me know.
+ Why do people get offended when they offer you a bite of their food to try and you say “no thanks”? I’m not rejecting you as a person, I just don’t want to try the glazed halibut.
+ Oftentimes when I am buying milk I’ll reach as far back as I can to grab a fresher gallon. The thing is, I always feel a little guilty when I’m doing it, like I’m breaking some unwritten code of the convenience store that will throw off the natural order of things like removing spiders from the food chain. Am I the only one who does this (and feels bad about it)?
+ If I ever get a tattoo, it will be a datestamp of the date that i got the tattoo. That way the answer to “what is your tattoo of?” and “when did you get it?” is the same thing.
+ I’ve got to be honest, I don’t know the back of my hand very well.
+ Hard to believe thanks to the prevalence of bottled water and filtered refrigerator dispensers, but 10 years ago people actually drank tap water without thinking twice.
+ Sometime I don’t think of a spoon as a spoon, I think of it as a mini-bowl with a handle.
+ I’ve found that the best thing about wearing glasses (as I now do occasionally) is it gives you something else to fidget with if you find yourself in a conversation you don’t really want to be in. The other best thing about them is they help you to see better.
+ What’s the most you should ever take out of those “need a penny, take a penny” jars at cash registers? Sometimes people stick dimes and quarters in there and I almost feel bad taking them. I think the limit should be 35 cents or 7 coins, whatever comes first.
+ My favorite nickname for left-handers: southpaws. My least favorite: devil-handers.
+ One of the best things about being an adult is the ability to eat candy without getting sticky.
+ Whenever I’m walking 10-15 feet in front of someone and I round a corner, I will immediately double my pace for 5-10 seconds so that I can increase my lead by about 5 feet. Then I slow back down to my original pace. My intent is for that person to A) round the corner and see me suddenly much further ahead of them than I was, B) realize that I am still walking at the same speed, and C) have their mind completely blown. Basically I want people to think I’m an unintentional magician. What can I say, I dream big.