Remix: Thanks for calling Bryan, Inc.

every once in a while I’ll remix an older blog post that I thought was better than the usual junk i pump out. This one is from March 2005…

“Thank you for calling So-and-So Corp., please listen closely as our menu options have changed.”

If i hear this one more time, i am going to dip my phone in marinara sauce and eat it.
What is going on here? Are companies changing their menu options every other day? What is this, a high school cafeteria? Clearly their only goal is to force you to listen to the entire recording, because heaven forbid we choose the wrong option or pretend like we already know where we want our call to be directed.

If I owned a company, you’d get a message like this:

“Welcome to Bryan Inc. Since you were competent enough to pick up a phone and dial our number, we’re going to assume you know how to use a phone menu. Here we go…

If you would like to speak to Customer Support, please Press 1
If you would like to speak with Technical Support, please Press 2
If you would like to speak with Technical Customers, please Press 3
If you have a Customer Technicality, please Press 4
If you ARE NOT calling from a touch-tone phone, hang up and smash your phone with a ball peen hammer.
If you ARE calling from a touch-tone phone, don’t be too proud of yourself, we all have them now.
If nothing I’m saying makes any sense, please Press 5
If you like the number 6, Press 6
If you would like to speak to an operator, which we know you do, tough luck.
If you think you should have pressed option ‘2’, Press 7
If you think you should have pressed option ‘7’, it’s too late.
If your question involves the words “cushion”, “acquiesce”, or “prosciutto”, Press 8
For all other deli meats, Press 9.
If you are the wind beneath my wings, Press #.
If you enjoy being jerked around, whisper “operator” into the mouthpiece until you are transferred.
If you can’t remember why you called, please press *

If none of these menu choices were applicable, please hang up and call back in 10 minutes, as our menu options will probably have changed.